Why Does Starbucks Hate Jews? (Sarcasm Alert!)

Why does Starbucks hate Jews? Is anti-Semitism an ingrained part of the Starbucks corporate culture? Given recent events, I’ve been forced to ask these difficult questions.

“What the heck are you talking about?” I hear you ask.

By now I’m sure you seen or read that some Christians are angry at Starbucks because this year, Starbucks has chosen to use red cups with the green Starbucks logo for the holiday season instead of having symbols of the season on the cups.

Apparently, some Christians have taken offense, arguing that Starbucks “hates Jesus” or is trying to take Christ out of Christmas. Even Donald Trump is now suggesting that a boycott of Starbucks might be worth discussing.

Now, to be fair, there are a lot of people who are rightly recognizing that this newest battle in the “War on Christmas” is utter and total bullshit and that the color of a coffee cup has nothing to do with Jesus or Christmas. Some have gone to far as to suggest that if you need your coffee cup to promote your religion, then you have bigger troubles.

But the whole situation did get me thinking and made me ask one important question: Why are the cups red and not blue?

Red is the color of Christmas, but blue is the color of Hanukkah. Starbucks has chosen, year after year, to use red cups instead of blue cups. Why? Why does Starbucks celebrate Christmas and leave out their Jewish customers? Clearly the answer is that Starbucks is hates Jews. That is the only possible explanation, right? The red cups don’t symbolize a War on Christmas; rather, they are a symbol of Starbucks’ Christian values and a weapon in the War on Hanukkah, which is merely the first campaign in the War on Jews. Removing symbols of the season from the red cups merely allows Starbucks to focus its efforts on the color of Christmas without any possibility of any symbol being thought of as generic or having any applicability to Hanukkah or Jews.

And guess what? Starbucks even sells a “Christmas Blend” coffee.

Where is the Hanukkah blend? Where are the potato latkes? Why isn’t anyone else talking about the clear examples of anti-Semitism being exhibited by Starbucks?

Starbucks may be taking the Christ out of Christmas, but it looks like they must be trying to shove it into the coffee served to Jews. That is the only explanation that I can think of.

So stand with me. Stand up to the corporate juggernaut of anti-Semitic coffee. Take a stand and make Starbucks end their War on Hanukkah! Do it now, before it’s too late! Do it now before we have to eat fruitcakes instead of latkes and replace Hanukkah gelt with over-priced, fair trade, non-GMO chocolate.

-----

Any of you who weren’t able to tell that this post was entirely sarcastic should probably seek help. But, for the record (because I’m sure that someone somewhere will try to claim that I was serious): I do not believe that Starbucks hates Jews, is anti-Semitic, or is waging a War on Hanukkah. But you know what else? I also don’t believe that Starbucks hates Jesus, is trying to take the Christ out of Christmas, or is part of the so-called (bullshit) “War on Christmas”. It’s just a damn coffee cup.

Happy Holidays!

A Mouse in the House or I Didn’t Know My Son Had a Bloodthirsty Streak

Allow me first to set the stage. It is early morning, just after 5:00am (5:12, if you must know). The household won’t start moving for a little while. Everything is quiet. For the moment. Now, for those who don’t know, our household consists of me, my wife, and our 15-year-old twins (boy and girl) plus the little dog (Zooey, a 6-year old Mini Australian Shepherd) and the big dog (Jedi, a 9-month old Sith Lord German Shepherd) and, unbeknownst to us … a guest.

When Jedi woke me at 5:12, I presumed he just needed to go outside. Groggily I made my way to the patio door and he trotted out, did whatever dogs do, and trotted back in. So far, a normal, if slightly early, morning. But on the way back to our ground floor bedroom, Jedi stopped just outside the bedroom door in front of our hall closet. And he started to sniff. And sniff. And sniff. The gap beneath the door to the closet is a bit small for an 82 pound Sith Lord German Shepherd, but he tried. Then he walked into the bedroom and sniffed around the door. Back to the hall. Sniff. Sniff. Then over to a chair and a dog bed and more sniffing. I watched, thinking that maybe there was a treat that had been lost and, frankly, too tired to care (or, perhaps, think clearly). After a minute or so, he finally plopped himself down on the dog bed to go back to sleep. But that only lasted another minute or two before he started sniffing around again.

I got a flashlight and shined it under the chair but didn’t see anything. But for the next handful of minutes he would sniff and relax, sniff and relax, and so on and so forth. Finally, he and I both went into the kitchen for a little while. But then it was back to the living room and more sniffing and wandering. This continued until, I don’t know, close to 6:00? At some point, my son came downstairs to get breakfast before I took him to marching band practice. And my wife came out of the bedroom followed by the little dog.

That’s when the excitement began.

I’m not sure if Zooey could smell something or if she just wanted to know what Jedi was doing, but she went over to that chair to join in the sniff fest. And that’s when the little black mouse (well, it was about 3 inches long; does that qualify as “little” in mouse terms?) scampered out from under the chair and took off on a mad dash around the living room. I don’t know if little dog had no interest or if she was just wisely getting out of big dog’s way (he’s kind of a reckless clod), but she left the initial mouse chase to a great big inquisitive puppy. He caught the mouse quickly enough, but thought it was just a cool toy to paw at. The giant Jaws of Doom™ never came into play and the tail never stopped wagging.

Did I mention that as the action commenced, I shouted “Mouse!” to which my wife replied “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKK” (or something approximating that sound).

Things got a bit confused at that point. Wife demanded that I “get rid of the mouse”. I told her to take the dogs in the other room (as they were not likely to be particularly helpful in the upcoming mouse hunt). And I asked my son to find something we could use to trap the mouse (hoping that we could then scoop him up and put him outside). Well, there was a period of running and yelling and screaming and running and … Well, my wife found us a box from the kitchen, but it was a big box with a floppy lid and holes in it so I knew that this wasn’t going to work particularly well. But we had to make do with our given implements.

As the mad chase continued, the mouse found his (her?) way under the basement door and onto the steps. Our basement is finished with carpeted steps, so just smashing it on a wooden step wasn’t in the playbook. When my son and I opened the door to the basement (the wife was still in the kitchen with the dogs, the “EEEEEEEEEEEE” part of “EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKK” still coming out at a defining pitch [though nearly drowned out, in part, by crazy dogs]), we saw the mouse cowering behind a small cooler that was sitting on the top step, awaiting its turn to be carried to the basement (it had been awaiting that turn for weeks…). I reached down and was able to toss the cooler down the stairs, thus depriving the mouse of his protective concealment. Victory was almost ours.

“Not so fast,” said our rodent guest. Well, he didn’t say anything. After all he’s a mouse. But he thought it. Well, maybe he did. I don’t know. I don’t know what  mice think. After all, they’re mice. But if he was a mouse in a cartoon, I’m sure he would have said, “Not so fast.”

He jumped down to the next stair and took refuge behind a book (The Dummies Guide to Cooking, I believe; I wonder if it contains recipes for black field mouse soufflé). I, being the brave soul that I am, decided that I didn’t want to reach down and grab the book, especially after seeing how fast the critter could move. So I decided to move to a stair below the mouse in order to be able to force it into the open so our Capture Box™ could be lowered into place. As I began to step down the stairs, I thought I saw the mouse run out from cover, right to the place where my foot was about to land. Have I mentioned that I was barefoot? So, as I recoiled (not in horror, mind you, just out of a concern that I’d have to wash my foot too thoroughly…), I lost my balance (hey, I’m almost 50, give me a break) and sort of fell into the wall of the basement staircase. I rebounded and tried to regain my balance by grabbing the bannister on the opposite wall … but apparently the bannister gods were against me as the bracket holding the bannister on the wall snapped in two sending both me and the bannister crashing to the ground at the bottom of the stairs.

Thankfully, only my pride was actually hurt by this sequence of events.

My son laughed. So I killed him.

OK. I didn’t kill him. But you would have forgiven me if I had, right?

Anyway…

From below, I was able to see the mouse hiding behind the book. Maybe he was hoping it would provide escape plans rather than detailed sauté guidelines. Anyway, I was able to reach up and push the book, hoping to get the mouse to leave concealment. My son, however, suggested that I should just crush the mouse with the book. Also, while I was oh so gracefully descending the stairs and then picking myself up and dusting off my pride, my son had retrieved the spray bottle that we use to squirt water at the dogs from time to time (well, really just the giant Demon Beast from Hell and not the little dog). As I tried to move the mouse with gentle pressure on the book, my son started squirting the mouse with an intensity that made me wonder if he was trying to drown the rodent. That’s when the mouse sort of stood up on its hind legs and started … hissing? screaming? How does one describe the sound that a tiny, frightened, pissed off, wet mouse makes while cowering behind a Dummies book?

Sadly our plan to trap the mouse under a box on the stairs was proving unworkable. And it became more so as the mouse climbed back up first one step and then the other and back into the living room (sending my son reeling backward, though I’m sure he would describe it as a graceful strategic withdrawal from contact with the enemy). But teenage reflexes being what they are, my son was able to quickly grab the box and … drumroll please … trap the mouse!

Now, if you’ll recall, the box that my wife had given us was not really designed for Mouse Trappage™ (pronounced with a French accent, please). Thankfully, I recalled seeing a shoebox in the laundry room. I quickly grabbed that and returned to the scene of our victory. The time had come to swap boxes so that we could move the rodent to greener pastures.

Unfortunately, in our effort to swap boxes, the little monster escaped. I blame my son. He, of course, blames me. But I’m older. And the parent. So I’m right. It was his fault.

As the mouse scampered away (damn those things are fast!) both my son and I tried to race after it. I, ever the graceful one, managed to step onto a dog bed which then slid across the wood floor taking one of my feet with it. Let’s just say that when I hit the ground, I did so with a booming thud, probably heard by many of my neighbors. I think my wife screamed, but that could have been the original  “EEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKK” still in progress.

As I once again worked to right myself, I got my turn to laugh watching my son chase the mouse around the outer walls of the living room. It was comedy. Mouse 3, Human 0 as my son would corner or otherwise trap the critter only to have it narrowly escape the descending Capture Box™. Around and around they went. And no, I didn’t make any snide remarks as my son missed, chance after chance, to catch the evil little beast. OK. That’s a lie. My snark was operating at full throttle by that point.

Anyway, as this continued for another moment or three, the mouse eventually found his way back to that hall closet where the sniff fest had begun. Now it was trapped. Right? We hoped. We opened the door to find a pair of shoes and two plastic trash bags which, I think, were full of old toys my wife planned to give to our nephews. We saw the mouse scamper from one corner to another, but we had no way to get the box on to it or to smash it.

Did I say smash it? OK. Fine. By this point the notion of more violence was becoming somewhat more appealing to me. To my son, I think this had become Call of Duty Part III: Morning of the Menacing Mouse and he was going to take that thing down. Thankfully, neither rocket launcher nor assault rifle was readily at hand. But…

As we moved the trash bags about, trying to get our shot at the mouse, a toy fell out of one of the bags. Remember those toy bow and arrow sets with arrows topped, not by a point, but by a suction cup? Well, one of those fell out of the bag, minus the suction cup. My son quickly grabbed the arrow and announced his attention to stab the mouse.

Stab the mouse? What kind of bloodthirsty little monster did I raise? And why was I so proud of his initiative?

Though he tried a few (very tentative) pokes at the mouse, no stabbing occurred. But as this was happening the mouse tried yet another escape. In the process the trash bags were dragged out of the closet … and the mouse climbed up on my son’s foot (thankfully protected by a shoe). My son was still poking at the trash bag when I calmly (well, as calm as one can be given the circumstances, which, in other words, means not calmly at all) informed him that “the mouse is on your foot!” Now it was his turn to jump and recoil (though I’m sure he will tell you that he calmly stepped away, with grace and dignity, even if that would be an outright lie). My wife continued to say, “EEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK!”

And suddenly the mouse was gone.

But not for long.

I’m not sure how he noticed, but my son saw that the mouse had managed, intentionally or otherwise, to crawl into one of the trash bags and was now in the bottom corner. Though I’m not sure it’s how I would have handled things, my son immediately stomped on the bag. And then stomped on it again. And again. I think that there was a fourth stomp too. There was definitely … um … visual evidence after the second or third stomp that we no longer had a mouse in our house.

I could tell you about the aftermath, about my wife deciding that she can never live in our house again, about my daughter coming downstairs and wondering what the commotion was all about, about the dogs racing around the house, maybe looking for more mice, about that bag of old toys going straight into the trash and not to our nephews, etc., etc. But you don’t care about that. I know. You’re just happy to know that our household, dogs and all, is once again mouse free without too much damage.

I stopped at Lowe’s before work to buy a new mounting bracket for the bannister. Hopefully no mice will be waiting for me when I get home.

A great way to start the day.

Oh, and anything that my wife says to the contrary with regard to these events or my macho performance as a mouse hunter, is a lie. Balderdash and hogwash. Ignore her.

Updated June 21, 2017: Typos corrected.

An Open Letter to Jimmy John’s (and Other Bicycle Delivery Operations)

Dear Jimmy John’s (in particular the store at 1 North Meridian Street in Indianapolis) and other Bicycle Delivery Operations:

This letter is not about the fact that I don’t like your sandwiches (which I don’t, but both my father and daughter do, so…). No, that’s not why I’m writing to you. Rather, I’m writing to you for a much simpler, much more fundamental reason: I don’t want to die or get injured while walking around downtown Indianapolis. For that matter, I doubt many other pedestrians out for a casual stroll on a downtown sidewalk really expect that they are putting themselves at risk of injury because of you.

Yes, I understand that part of your shtick is to promise that your food will be delivered really quickly. It’s catchy and your commercials are funny-ish. But you know what? I shouldn’t have to walk in fear of injury because you have a reputation to uphold. Neither I nor any other pedestrian should ever have to jump out of the way as one of your bike delivery people flies by weaving in and out of pedestrians on crowded sidewalks. Nor should we have to nurse bruised elbows or hips that are bumped by a bicycle racing as if it was in the Tour de France rather than delivering a sandwich. And cars shouldn’t have to slam on their brakes to avoid a bicycle that darts out in front of them. Your bicycle delivery people wear helmets; pedestrians shouldn’t need helmets and elbow guards.

Perhaps you should reflect on the old Domino’s promise of free pizza if it took more than 30 minutes for delivery. The company had to abandon that policy in 1993, in part due to a $79 million judgment against the pizza maker. Google it.

Look, I don’t know how things work in other cities. But in downtown Indianapolis, your store is just a half-block south of Monument Circle, a prominent and popular lunchtime gathering spot, especially on nice summer days. People walk around the circle, they eat at one of several restaurants with outdoor dining, and they congregate to talk to friends. Yet even on the most congested days (like today), delivery guys (well, the occasional girl, but not many) race through the crowds, seemingly heedless of the pedestrians scampering to avoid being run over. Those “Yield” signs on the Cultural Trail? Yeah, I’m not sure that your bicycle delivery guys are familiar with them. Today, I walked to the Circle, walked two laps around the Circle, grabbed some lunch, and walked back to my office. And I had to dodge three bikes. Note: I dodged the bikes; they didn’t dodge me. Some other bikes did swerve to avoid me and other pedestrians; but even then, I and others had to worry until the last moment as to whether the bike was going to manage to avoid hitting us. Should I really have to worry as each bike approaches as to whether it will avoid me or whether I need to take evasive action?

Indianapolis is working hard to become a bicycle friendly city. I think that’s a great idea and I’m in favor of bike lanes and efforts to make drivers more aware of bicycles. But you know what? If bicyclists don’t want to be hit by cars, they should probably think about showing similar considerations for pedestrians. We expect cars to yield to pedestrians and bicycles; so too should we expect bicycles to yield to pedestrians.

Now perhaps the bikes that nearly hit me today weren’t being ridden on your behalf; I didn’t stop to ask (though I’m pretty sure that I saw a Jimmy John’s delivery sack carried by at least one of the riders). But you are the most prominent user of bicycles for delivery in downtown Indianapolis. And to quote a friend of mine after I tweeted about the subject (without mentioning your company at all): “A lot of those Jimmy Johns [sic] guys are a-holes.” He made the connection to your business all on his own.

So which is it that you want? The reputation for providing good food quickly … or the reputation for employing reckless “a-holes” to provide that food. It’s your choice.

And a little (snarky) food for thought: Indiana’s “stand your ground” law allows a person to use deadly force “if the person reasonably believes that that force is necessary to prevent serious bodily injury to the person or a third person or the commission of a forcible felony”. Now I’m certainly not suggesting that anyone kill your bicycle delivery guys, but it would seem that a pre-emptive well-placed elbow or kick to a wheel, if delivered for the purpose of preventing a bicycle from hitting someone just might be justified. I mean, if I’m a pedestrian, shouldn’t I have the right to stand my ground before I or another pedestrian is run over by your bicycle? Note: I’m not advocating violence and I don’t really think that hitting or kicking a passing bike rider is acceptable; rather, I’m making a point (related to several issues, actually…) by going way, way over the top. Snark, people. Snark.

Anyway, perhaps it is time to re-think your delivery strategy or at least re-think how it’s implemented. Maybe a little more training for your delivery people? Maybe instructions to stay off crowded sidewalks? Maybe just telling them to slow down when pedestrians are around. Because, you know, the headline in the newspaper that Jimmy John’s has to pay a massive punitive damages judgment because one of its bicycle delivery people ran over a little old lady walking out of the Hilbert Circle Theater won’t really be good for business. And that would be a shame because both my daughter and father like your sandwiches, even if I don’t.

Teaching the Controversy

Late last year, there was a widely reported story that an Indiana senator intended to introduce a bill to require teachers to be able to “prove” what they told students and to enable students to challenge teachers (as if students don’t already challenge teachers by, you know, asking questions). The obvious goal of the bill was to force teachers to “prove” evolution, especially when a student challenged the teacher on the basis of religious belief. Perhaps due to the ridicule the rumored bill received, it was never introduced as originally described (though its purported author, Sen. Dennis Kruse has offered plenty of other idiotic bills).

Nevertheless, a seemingly watered-down or stealth version of the bill has, in fact, been introduced as House Bill 1283:

    (a) The general assembly finds that:
        (1) an important purpose of education is to inform students about evidence and to help students develop critical thinking skills necessary to become intelligent, productive, and informed citizens;
        (2) some subjects, including, but not limited to, science, history, and health, have produced differing conclusions and theories on some topics; and
        (3) some teachers may be unsure of the expectations concerning how the teachers should present information and evidence on these topics.
    (b) This section applies to accredited schools.
    (c) The state board, department, governing bodies, governing authorities of accredited nonpublic schools, superintendents, principals, and other administrators shall endeavor to create an environment within accredited schools that encourages students to explore questions, learn about evidence, develop critical thinking skills, and respond appropriately and respectfully to different conclusions and theories concerning subjects set forth in subsection (a)(2).
    (d) The state board, department, governing bodies, governing authorities of accredited nonpublic schools, superintendents, principals, and other administrators may endeavor to assist teachers in finding effective ways to present the curriculum as the curriculum addresses subjects set forth in subsection (a)(2). A teacher shall be allowed to help students understand, analyze, critique, and review in an objective manner the strengths and weaknesses of conclusions and theories being presented in a course being taught by the teacher.
    (e) The state board, department, governing bodies, governing authorities of accredited nonpublic schools, superintendents, principals, and other administrators may not prohibit a teacher in an accredited school from helping students to understand, analyze, critique, and review in an objective manner the strengths and weaknesses of existing conclusions and theories being presented in a course being taught by the teacher.
    (f) This section may not be construed to promote:
        (1) any religious or nonreligious doctrine;
        (2) discrimination for or against a particular set of religious beliefs or nonbeliefs; or
        (3) discrimination for or against religion or nonreligion.

If anybody can really tell me what any of that gibberish and gobbledygook really means, I’d love to hear it. But I’ll give it a go.

Let’s look at what appear to be the two core elements of the bill, Section (a)(2) and (d):

[S]ome subjects, including, but not limited to, science, history, and health, have produced differing conclusions and theories on some topics…

And:

A teacher shall be allowed to help students understand, analyze, critique, and review in an objective manner the strengths and weaknesses of conclusions and theories being presented in a course being taught by the teacher.

Hmm. I wonder what topics in the subjects of science, history, and health have “produced differing conclusions”? Given the repeated efforts to try to add “Creation Science” or “Intelligent Design” to our public education curriculum, does anybody have any doubt that this sentence is aimed squarely at evolution? Or, perhaps, there’s also a bit of “America was founded as a Christian nation” thrown it, too. Maybe even some “abstinence only” theory or even “abortion causes breast cancer” for good measure. Possibly even a little helping of “climate change is a hoax”…

But, of course, these are not the only elements of science, history, or health to “have produced differing conclusions”, are they?

For example, I’m sure that in history classes, teachers will “help students understand, analyze, critique, and review in an objective manner the strengths and weaknesses” of the suggestions that the Bush administration was responsible for 9/11, right? Many books have been written by so-called “9/11 Truthers” and I’m sure that teachers will incorporate those into their teaching materials. Right? In science, teachers will “help students understand, analyze, critique, and review in an objective manner the strengths and weaknesses” of the theory that the moon landings were faked. Right? In health, I’m sure that schools that have an abstinence only sex education program will be incorporating materials to help students critique those lessons to see if, just perhaps, things like condoms or other forms of birth control might be useful. Right?

Anti-evolution, pro-religion legislators want our schools to “teach the controversy” (a phrase used by proponents of Intelligent Design to try to get their faux-science into schools) … but only if the controversy being taught is one of the “approved” controversies. I don’t think those legislators would take too kindly to the teaching of controversies that might, for example, call their own religious beliefs into question. Like, for example, an examination of whether there is, in fact, a G-d. Now that would be an interesting lesson for students to work on understanding, analyzing, and critiquing the strengths and weaknesses of the evidence.

But Section (f) of the HB1283 confuses me. I’m not sure how any of this teaching — if students and teachers are really supposed to be analyzing, critiquing, and reviewing — won’t somehow be found to be discriminatory. After all, if the evidence points to evolution as being true, then couldn’t someone make the argument that in helping the student analyze, critique, or review the science, that the teacher has promoted nonreligious doctrine or discriminated against religions? Similarly, if a teacher calls evolution into question, then hasn’t the teacher promoted religious doctrine or religious belief? Wouldn’t any effort to teach or critique creation, as described in the Bible, by definition discriminate against religions that have different creation stories? You know, like Buddhism, Hinduism, or Scientology?

Perhaps our legislators should stick to trying to solve real problems like unemployment, poverty, hunger, gun violence, and things like that. Perhaps they should leave education for … hmm … let’s see … er … educators? Perhaps they should stop trying to impose their own beliefs, in particular their religious beliefs, upon the rest of us. Perhaps they should pay attention to the Constitution that they’ve sworn to uphold. Perhaps.

But if our legislators really do want our teachers to “teach the controversy” then they need to be sure to do a thorough job. We need to really be sure that our teachers help students “understand, analyze, critique, and review in an objective manner the strengths and weaknesses” of topics in the subjects of history, science, and health that “have produced differing conclusions and theories”. Topics like the following:

As I mentioned above, we should be teaching the other side that says that the moon landings were faked.

We should be teaching the other side that says that the real elements are Air, Earth, Fire, Water, and Aether.

We should be teaching the other side that says that the pyramids were built by aliens.

We should be teaching the other side that says it’s “turtles all the way down” (seriously…) or that the sun and planets orbit the earth.

Along with astronomy we should be teaching the other side that believes in astrology (hey, it worked for Nancy Reagan…).

Along with chemistry we should be teaching alchemy (though I’m sure that Glenn Beck and Goldline don’t really want people to learn how to turn lead into gold).

Along with medicine, we should be teaching the other side that says that disease and illness is caused either by demons (why do you say, “God bless you,” after someone sneezes…?) or by an imbalance in one of the four humors.

We should be teaching the other said that says that babies are delivered via stork (especially in those schools with an abstinence only curriculum, because after all, we sure don’t want those kids to grow up knowing how their bodies or … gasp … sex actually work).

So long as we’re basing our curriculum on the Bible and other religious beliefs, then we should certainly be teaching the other side that believes in reincarnation or that humans were brought to earth on an airplane by Xenu (a fundamental teaching of Scientology).

I guess we no longer need to teach the Mayan belief that Earth would be destroyed in 2012 (phew, I guess we dodged a bullet there), but we should be sure that there aren’t any other apocalyptic scenarios that our kids should analyze.

We absolutely must teach the other side that says that Elvis is still alive.

We should be teaching the other side that says that the earth is only 6,000 years old and that dinosaurs lived at the same time as humans. (Note: The Creation Museum in Kentucky apparently has exhibits depicting humans riding dinosaurs and using them as domesticated animals.)

This stuff would just be funny if it weren’t for the enormous number of people who really believe some of this shit.

Note: The foregoing images and commentary are taken from my post Graphic Slogans That Describe My Mood from June 2011. The images themselves come from Amorphia Apparel’s line of Teach the Controversy T-shirts. Subsequent to that previous post, I found a few more controversies to teach, too:

We should teach that dinosaur bones were actually planted by the Devil to make people believe in the false concept of evolution.

The CIA tried to harness telekinesis, ESP, and other paranormal methods, so they must be real, right? We should definitely teach that!

Doublethink suggests that this is the correct answer. In these days of political correctness, we should definitely analyze whether words mean what we think and we should really be careful about what people tell us the right answers are in math. I mean, how do you really know that Pi is 3.14 or that it never ends? Huh?

How else to explain the disappearance of Atlantis than by teaching about the Bermuda Triangle? Or, wait a minute. Is the Bermuda Triangle the result of the sinking of Atlantis? I always get confused on that one.

What, you thought that everyone agreed that the Earth was round? Of course not. And we should be teaching that controversy, too. I bet we could get representatives of the Flat Earth Society to help our teachers.

While we’re at it, we should be sure to teach about the real source of some of the greatest horrors known in our world (I’m speaking, of course, of Cthulhu and the other Great Old Ones). If you don’t know about Cthulhu, you obviously lived a very sheltered childhood or attended a school that didn’t teach the controversy.

We should undoubtedly teach about the Time Cube; after all, it posits that what we know about science is mostly wrong. Of course, it also posits that Christianity is evil and that the idea of family poisons children, so yeah…

We need to be sure to teach about chemtrails, which some have suggested (based on … gasp! … photographs) were responsible for the Sandy Hook killings.

You did know that the British royal family are actually the descendants of an ancient line of alien reptiles and that the Reptoid Royals actually control the planet, right? Of course, I’m not sure if this goes in history or science. Hmm. Controversies to ponder.

However, there is apparently some controversy (teach it!) as to whether the Reptoid Royals control the interior of the Hollow Earth (actually, I just made that controversy up; no, not the Hollow Earth controversy, the one about whether it’s controlled by the Reptoid Royals!).

We’d obviously be remiss if, in the study of comparative religions, we didn’t include the Invisible Pink Unicorn and, even more critically, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I’d hate to think that our children might grow up not knowing about either Cthulhu or these great religions.

And for those who think that is the job of those who believe in science to prove that non-scientific, religious, or conspiracy-based ideas are true (you know, people like the legislators who want to teach creationism in our public schools), then I can only suggest that they study:

Russell’s Teapot.

Finally, I came across this short video that really helps to capture the ridiculous nature of the whole … um … controversy:

 

A Few Videos to Start Your Weekend

If you haven’t seen Jon Stewart’s epic “analysis” of Mitt Romney’s comment about 47% Americans and the GOP/Fox News response … well, make some popcorn, grab a soft drink, pull up a chair, and enjoy. Be sure to watch all three videos. It’s worth your time.

Some of you may remember Sarah Silverman’s hysterical video “The Great Schlep” that I posted during the 2008 campaign. Well, she’s back with a new video: “Let My People Vote 2012 – Get Nana a Gun”. Note: This video is definitely not safe for work. 

And I couldn’t resist this one:

And no, Mitt Romney did not build that video.

Wallack Family 2012 Summer Vacation: My Twitter Travelogue

In the summer of 2010, our family took a vacation to Hilton Head Island. What started as a series of occasional tweets about our vacation turned into a sort of full-fledged comedic travelogue. We took that vacation with my in-laws and they became the subjects and inspiration for much of what the travelogue contained. Unfortunately (fortunately?) in 2011, my in-laws didn’t join us; thus, both the inspiration and means for the travelogue weren’t there. But this year my in-laws were, once again, a part of our summer vacation and boy did they give me things to tweet about!

So before getting into the travelogue, let me set the scene. For those who don’t know, we live in a suburb of Indianapolis. The drive from our home to Hilton Head Island, South Carolina, should, according to Mapquest, take approximately 12¾ hours (oddly, Google Maps thinks the drive should be about a half-hour longer). We have a minivan (Honda Odyssey, if you must known). Here’s the somewhat odd part: My mother-in-law drives. She seems to prefer to drive (and she’s a terrible back seat driver). My father-in-law sits in the front passenger seat beside her. He is 90 (turns 91 in a few weeks) and suffers from dementia. Some days are good; same days … not so good. And no, my mother-in-law is not 90; she is 20 years younger than my father-in-law. Our kids (12-year-old twins) sit in the middle seats (usually watching movies on DVD players, thankfully with headphones on, though sometimes reading and every-so-often taking a brief nap). My wife and I sit in the very back of the minivan, endeavor to tune out everything else in the car and read our books. Or, in my case, work on my Twitter travelogue. Our plan was to make the drive to Hilton Head in two days, the second day hopefully being much shorter. We don’t drive straight through because my father-in-law has a difficult time. On the way home, though, the plan is to try to push through in one day, subject to how my father-in-law is feeling.

I have decided not to edit my tweets. Typos are as they were (hey, you try getting it all correct in the back of a moving car on an iPhone or when the sun is so bright you can barely seen the screen). I have, however, omitted (most of) my political tweets and most tangential conversations with others not directly related to my travelogue (though I’ve kept one or two that I thought were funny and in the same sort of snarky tone as much of the rest of the travelogue). My tweets were automatically posted to my Facebook account too, and several amusing conversations started on that platform, but I haven’t taken the time to try to include those here.

For those unfamiliar with Twitter, a user’s address (like an email address) is called a “handle” and begins with an @. My Twitter handle is @MSWallack. When you see a Twitter handle at the beginning of a message, it means that tweet was sent directly to the person identified by the handle. Throughout this travelogue, there are “conversations” between me and other people. For the most part, I haven’t tried to link up the tweets to which a later response related; the linkage should, largely, be self-evident. And oddly, a handful of tweets that I recall typing and posting didn’t show up when I went back to compile this travelogue. Maybe the Library of Congress has them.

When I interpose some clarifying material that was not part of the original travelogue, it will be in red. As for abbreviations, “MiL” means mother-in-law and “FiL” means “father-in-law”. If it isn’t obvious, “McD’s” is McDonald’s. I had to abbreviate because Twitter limits a tweet to 140 characters. I checked in frequently via Foursquare, but I’ve only included a few of those check-ins as a part of this travelogue.

If you have a question about the events that prompted a particular tweet, feel free to ask in a comment. I’ll do my best to provide some context.

Finally, an important caveat. I tried to be funny. That was the goal. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone’s feelings (well, not really). As much as anything, the point of the travelogue was largely to keep me sane (or sane-ish). But as you’ll see, on several occasions, the tone becomes a bit darker due to my father-in-law’s condition. Part of me thought that perhaps I shouldn’t say anything or try to be funny when it came to issues related to his dementia. But then I decided that it was a better course to at least try to find humor in an otherwise depressing situation. We could cry about what dementia has done to him or we can laugh as a sort of ward against the depression. I opted for that latter course. I don’t know if I succeeded or if it worked, other than to say that my kids and, most importantly, my wife, were laughing along with me. I’d like to think that we weren’t so much laughing at my father-in-law as we were laughing at the absurdity of some of the conversations, statements, and situations brought about by the dementia.

Wednesday June 27

1:51pm

For those who've been eagerly anticipating it, the 2012 Wallack summer vacation travelogue starts Friday morning right here on Twitter.

1:52pm

For those who weren't following back in 2010, here's a recap and example of what I may have to offer:http://blog.wallack.us/2010/07/wallac ….

Friday June 29

1:13am

Our 7:00am departure time has (not surprisingly) already been pushed back to 8am. The real question: Will we be on the road by 10:00? Bets?

6:32am

Finish packing, load the car, and vacation begins (well, after a 13-hour drive, that is). (@ Wallack House) http://4sq.com/N1sP72

8:40am

I'm a good person. Instead of throwing away a perfectly good watermelon or letting it rot while we're gone, I gave it our new neighbors.

8:45am

Picking up the inlaws. We're only 45 minutes behind the adjusted schedule. Not too bad. (@ Schiller House) http://4sq.com/N2I3L0

9:08am

So it only took 20 minutes to load my inlaws into the car. We loaded their luggage last night. All we had to load was my inlaws themselves.

9:09am (from @DougMasson) [Doug Masson, a Twitter and Facebook friend; lawyer from Lafayette, Indiana]

@MSWallack Road trip?! I *love* Wallack in-law road trip Tweeting!

9:12am

Still in the neighborhood. Kids waited plenty long before they started arguing. Issue de jour? Who uses which headphones.

9:13am

Oh, and my father-in-law has just now decided he's too old to make the drive (90) and won't make it. Wants to stay here. But not alone.

9:15am

Point of clarification: The dotted white line is supposed to be centered under the car, right?

9:16am

And now my mother-in-law (she drives while my wife and I sit in the back and read) has announced that she doesn't want to wear her glasses.

9:29am

This is the 4th or 5th trip with my mother-in-law and a GPS. She still has no clue how the GPS works. She keeps yelling back to us for help.

9:36am (from @bmk) [Brian K, a Twitter friend]

@DougMasson @mswallack I look forward to it every year ;)

9:46am

Wife's dilemma: How to tell her Facebook friends to follow my Twitter travelogue given that my mother-in-law is one of her Facebook friends.

9:50am

Reading list for vacation includes @BrettBattles (Project Eden series) & @jeremyduns (Paul Dark series). You should read these authors.

9:53am

MiL: What highway do we take after Cincinnati? Me: GPS will tell you; it shows directions on the screen. MiL: It does? I didn't know that.

9:54am (from @BrettBattles) [Novelist Brett Battles]

Thanks, @MSWallack!

10:08am (from @jeremyduns) [Novelist Jeremy Duns (who lives in Sweden)]

@MSWallack @BrettBattles Thanks, Michael. Hope you enjoy it. :)

10:13am

Are we there yet? Just askin'…

10:30am

Just learned that, along with her special laundry detergent and favorite toilet paper, my wife actually packed ice cream cones. Seriously.

10:24am

Mother-in-law just announced that she packed a sponge. And she wants to know if we should stop at Walmart before we get to the island. No!!!

10:34am (from @erked) [Eric Kaun, one of my college roommates, and a true snark master]

@MSWallack Sitting in the driveway waiting to depart is just about the optimum time for such decisions, I think.

10:37am

@erked No. He waited until just as we were pulling onto the highway

10:38am

My mother-in-law's Cracker Barrel obsession just kicked in. Perhaps she owns stock in their bathroom department?

10:40am

My mother-in-law changed lanes. My father-in-law is not pleased. She wants to take the right road. He seems to object to this strategy.

10:23am (from @Lilyian) [My wife]

@MSWallack Oh darn I forgot to bring the plates, cups, and silverware, too….

10:42am

The argument over the correct lane choice continues. Note: Only about 20 miles to the interchange.

10:59am

Just passed the Creation Museum. Always tempted to stop … and laugh at the people going to learn about humans & dinosaurs living together.

11:12am

Bathroom break 1. My son and I drew straws to see who would go into the bathroom to check on grandpa. I lost.

11:17am

My father-in-law is upset we didn't listen to him & stop at McD's instead of Burger King. Never mind that there isn't a McD's at this exit.

11:19am

They are still arguing about why we didn't stop at the nonexistent McD's. He's not processing "there isn't one here" very well.

11:25am

My mother-in-law is taking glee in driving right up onto other cars' bumpers … and then breaking really hard. Lots of fun in the backseat.

11:27am

Wife tells MiL not to change lanes. MiL tries anyway, nearly hits someone, & swerves back. Then MiL yells at wife & wife yells at MiL. Joy!

11:30am

I have been advised that I misspelled braking as breaking. That presumes I meant that MiL was slowing down, not destroying things.

12:01pm

Now MiL is trying to explain to FiL what a Tic Tac is. He is insisting that they are some kind of pill; he wants to know what they're for.

12:04pm

MiL just announced stop 2 is in 20 minutes because, you know, we've only gone 50 minutes since the last stop.

12:04pm

MiL also asked if anyone wants some of the sushi she brought with her. Wait, what?

12:08pm

Grandpa wants a milkshake. Wife wants a bathroom (again). Daughter echoes my thoughts: "Nooooo!!!!!"

12:12pm

Stop 2. We found a McD's! (FourSquare isn't working apparently.)

12:13pm (from @davemcnelis) [David McNelis, a member of my very extended family]

@MSWallack How long is this trip, in miles?

12:13pm (from @keithclock) [Keith Clock, Democratic Party Chair for Hamilton County, Indiana]

Love it when @MSWallack goes on a family road trip. I feel like I'm right there complaining with him.

12:23pm

@davemcnelis 17,219 +/- 6.

12:29pm

MiL has dropped the keys between the seats and can't get them out.

12:30pm

MiL is now busy offering people her Combos. We're trying to tactfully suggest that instead of playing with her food … we want to go!

12:31pm (from @KielEWyote) [Kiel Kinnaman, a Twitter friend, also from Carmel]

@MSWallack Who's doing the driving?

12:33pm

@KielEWyote That's the good news & bad news. MiL likes to drive. FiL sits in front with her. Kids in middle. Wife & I in back with books.

12:36pm

@keithclock No milkshakes for you, young whippersnapper. And stay off my lawn.

12:34 (from @KielEWyote)

@MSWallack Ha ha! I can now see why you’re tweeting, kills the boredom a little bit. :-)

1:00pm

I keep hearing people talk about this Magic Mike movie. They made a movie about me and nobody mentioned it? How rude.

1:01pm

MiL needs to know where FiL pit his sunglasses. He hid them where nobody would think to look: On his face, covering his eyes.

1:02pm

And now MiL and FiL are discussing when we should stop again.

1:15pm

Wife: "Mom, why are you swerving all over the road?" MiL: "Because your car is very sensitive." Driving straight hurts the car's feelings?

1:18pm

For those who've asked, here is the link to the book I'm reading: "Exit 9 (Project Eden #2)" by @BrettBattles.http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B006NU …

1:30pm

I just told my daughter that Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes are divorcing, meaning he'll be single and on the market again. Big smile. Very big.

1:49pm

The car says we can only go 204 more miles before we need gas. So MiL wants to stop soon to fill up.

1:51pm

And I just learned that, in addition to sushi, she also brought hard boiled eggs. Can you guess what the car smells like now? Yum.

2:08pm

Now on an extended detour to avoid a big rockslide. The lady who lives in our GPS is not pleased with us. Nor is my father-in-law.

2:26pm

Stop 3. Dairy Queen. Near Corbin, Kentucky. I think. And this detour is giving my father-in-law major conniptions.

2:38pm

Father-in-law eschews traditional method of eating a sandwich. Seems to prefer pulling ingredients out one by one & eating them separately.

2:42pm

We got to DQ. MiL orders a chix sandwich for FiL. Gives it to him but tells him not to eat until we're back in the car. After kids use …

2:46pm

… bathroom, I order lunch for them. Then MiL decides to go to bathroom. There's a line. So I tell the kids (and me) to eat. She finally

2:46pm

… finishes and sees us eating. So then she decides to order food, too.

3:26pm

Excessive snark is exhausting. Unfortunately, it doesn't burn many calories.

3:31 (from @SusanNell3) [Susan Nell, good friend who now lives in North Carolina]

@MSWallack you can burn lots of calories walking on the beach!

4:10pm

Father-in-law's door was open. Mother-in-law gets out to close his door. As soon as she does, he opens it again. Then refuses to close it.

4:15pm (from @barkway) [a Twitter follower]

@MSWallack aren't in-laws fun?

4:39pm (from @erked)

@MSWallack You could also encourage her to rest her eyes, one at a time, to save wear and tear from the road.

4:42pm

@barkway In particular, inlaws with dementia. Fun, fun, fun.

4:43pm (from @erked)

@MSWallack Where else can she get backup sponges? And what about extra ice cream cones?

4:44pm

Father-in-law is apparently surprised to discover there are other people in the car with him.

4:47pm

Father-in-law is now either humming or snoring Mozart.

4:47pm (from @erked)

@MSWallack Speaking of which, you should watch Breaking Bad with MiL. Another friend live-blogs as he watches movies with his mom. Much fun.

4:48pm

We took a long detour, apparently to avoid the traffic jam we're now stuck in. Excellent demonstration of navigational prowess.

4:50pm

My wife says, "It's obviously rush hour." Seriously? Rush hour in the middle of the Great Smoky Mountains? Who knew?

4:52pm

The kids are now doing slow motion head banging to grandpa's snoring rendition of Mozart.

4:53 (from @erked)

@MSWallack Not as bad as it'll smell if people start dipping into those eggs.

4:54

@erked They did. It did.

4:58pm (from @erked)

@MSWallack You mean there are 2 cars on the road instead of 1? Crazy congestion.

4:58pm (from @erked)

@MSWallack Where is your son in all this? Staying quiet? Keeping his head down?

4:59pm

@erked Actual dead stop for a few minutes… Sigh.

5:18pm (from @erked)

@MSWallack Well, you're stopped, you may as well pull over at the next McDonald's. Is FiL's door open or closed?

5:28pm

@erked Closed, but no McD's in the mountains. Just trees. Of the right height. I think.

5:29pm

@erked Sometimes yes. And then he'll chime in with a snide remark, as if it's his goal to get in trouble.

5:39pm (from @erked)

All I want is a nap and a video game. Or to play a video game about trying to nap while babies torment you. [@erked has a 6-month old baby]

5:45pm

We're driving through the mountains. My father-in-law has announced "he's finished with it" (no, I don't know what "it" is). We should stop.

5:46pm

So my mother-in-law offered to stop and leave him by the side of the road. Hmm. An interesting choice is thus presented.

5:48pm

@erked Sounds like most games on the Wii.

5:55pm

Hmm. It seems that my father-in-law has just discovered that we're on the way to Hilton Head and is mad at us for bringing him.

5:59pm

My father-in-law has now convinced himself that he is 101 instead of 90.

6:11pm

I'm now holding the door to FiL's toilet stall closed because he can't seem to work the lock. How soon is this "vacation" over?

6:12pm (from @KielEWyote)

@MSWallack More important question, why are you letting him drive? Ha ha!

6:15pm

@KielEWyote Thankfully we took his keys away a few years ago. Not an easy thing to accomplish as it means loss of freedom.

6:36pm

I … forgot … how … slow … people … move … in … North … Car … o … lina.

6:36pm (from @DougMasson)

I'd like Facebook more if only there were more pictures with pithy quotes.

6:39pm

@DougMasson Me, I'd Facebook better if it, you know, worked.

6:52pm

So much for that hotel. Room smelled like perfume. It would have sent my wife into anaphylactic shock. [My wife has idiopathic anaphylaxis, a rare illness that causes her to go into anaphylactic shock; strong odors are one of her triggers.]

6:53pm

Of course in the time it took to check in and check back out we could have driven another 738 miles. Give or take.

7:02pm

@DougMasson Let me try that again. I'd like Facebook better if it worked better. Yeah, that.

7:03pm

My FiL wants us to drive to Atlanta so he can see his daughter who is meeting us in Hilton Head tomorrow.

7:07pm

Sorry for the darkness in tone this afternoon. I've tried to keep it light, but things have taken a turn for the unhappy.

7:12pm

I am now the driver.

8:21pm

Actually a very nice hotel. (@ Holiday Inn Express Hotel & Suites)http://4sq.com/MYfPAI

8:28pm (from @erked)

@MSWallack Our first hotel away from the hospital, with Alex, was a Holiday Inn Express in Philly. Clean, spacious, great view, great memory.

8:29pm (from @erked)

@MSWallack Was he aging with the temperature?

8:30pm

@erked Perhaps.

8:41pm

How many restaurants can we go to for dinner? (@ McDonald's)http://4sq.com/MYhXZ7

8:50pm

I'm at Wendy's (Spartanburg, SC) http://4sq.com/LKz6Ik

8:54pm

Almost got to go to a 3rd restaurant after all. My son forget to give us his order for Wendy's. But the disaster was averted.

9:32pm

A special guest in our bed. pic.twitter.com/cRrGCbX7

9:38pm (from @SusanNell3]

@MSWallack does he have friends?

9:43pm (from @amymasson) [Doug Masson’s wife]

@MSWallack ew

10:11pm

Donna Summer was having a smoke in front of the hotel. Well, maybe not. But she was wearing Donna's outfit (circa 1978) and had her hair.

Saturday June 30

8:30am

I walk back into our room after breakfast to find a disco.pic.twitter.com/pfXoKUZ9

8:49am

Going to be a good day I can tell. We've already had one fight (son wouldn't stop when we asked him to) and we're not even in the car yet.

8:58am

Last night my daughter had a toothbrush malfunction. Note the schmear of toothpaste on her nose. Such grace & elegance.pic.twitter.com/9TbZ9WQF

9:00am

My daughter has just read my tweet about her toothbrush malfunction. "But Daddy, you're mocking me," she says. "Why yes I am, me dear."

9:02am

So noting that my follow-up tweet contained further mocking, she asks, "Am I just easy to mock?" I responded with evil super villain laugh.

9:05am

Daughter now tells me that I'm a "tweetaholic". I resemble that remark. So where does Tweetaholics (not so) Anonymous meet?

9:21am

Time to pile back into the car and go. We left my mother-in-laws hard boiled eggs in the hotel.

9:24am

We're sitting in the car (engine running) but not actually, you know, driving. MiL is rearranging the glove compartment.

9:51am

Calm and quiet. Calm and quiet.

10:10am

Wife telling MiL about storms at home and forecast for Hilton Head. Somehow MiL thinks storms at home are the forecast for Hilton Head.

10:23am

Now reading "Pale Horse (Project Eden #3) by @BrettBattles. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B008C1 …

10:47am

MiL to FiL: "Here, this water is for you." FiL to MiL: "For you?" MiL: "No, for you." FiL: "You?" Abbott & Costello are driving with us.

11:02am

Car behind honking. MiL oblivious. Wife wants her to move. MiL refuses. Wife wants to get away from crazies. "Get out of the car," I say.

11:03am

Ooh, this is exciting! Father-in-law has decided to entertain us by reading road signs, especially those really fascinating mile markers!

11:56am

A palm tree has been spotted. Much rejoicing ensues. Well, much rejoicing from MiL. Cries of "drive" from other passengers.

12:07pm

Did you know that in a traffic jam, protocol calls for rapid acceleration followed by hard braking? Repeatedly. Over & over. While arguing?

12:21pm

I think my mother-in-law changes lanes every 92 seconds or so (occasional hard braking thrown in) just to be sure none of us are too comfy.

1:19pm

MiL is trying to get FiL to write her grocery list. He's having trouble opening glove compartment to find paper. Or something. She's mad.

1:19pm (from @kiptew) [Kip Tew, an attorney in Indianapolis]

@MSWallack why don't you take the wheel?

1:20pm

Does anyone actually put gloves in a glove compartment? Why not call it a watermelon compartment or lost kitten compartment?

1:21pm

@kiptew Because it's way too difficult to post these sorts of snarky tweets while driving. And MiL likes to drive; is a bad backseat driver.

1:24pm (from @kiptew)

@MSWallack your tweets the last few days could have been an episode from Seinfeld..seems like u r traveling with George Costanza's parents.

1:26pm (from @amymasson)

@MSWallack I remember @DougMasson telling me about these family vacation tweets. And now I know why!

1:28pm

@kiptew I guess I think of this more in the Clark Griswald mode, but I'm still waiting for the girl in the red Ferrari.

1:40pm

In a traffic jam a few miles from the island (and our resort) and MiL wants to stop at a McD's. There may be a violent revolution.

1:42pm

MiL just suggested we "point out all the palm trees to the kids." Um, OK. "There's one. And another one. Look there, another one." Silence.

1:47pm

Seriously. Just a few miles from the resort. (@ McDonald's)http://4sq.com/Loe2mn

1:50pm

Son claims to be carsick. The car isn't moving.

1:52pm

MiL has asked the McD's employee if her sandwich has tomato at least 4 times. A repeat performance by Abbot & Costello…

1:54pm

MiL is convinced the McD's order won't be right. Gee, ya think? The McD's employee is probably so confused she can't recall her name.

1:55pm

Now McD's employee has asked MiL to confirm her order. MiL says she can't remember.

1:57pm

McD's wants us to pull forward while they get the food. MiL refuses. Claims McD's won't bring us our food.

2:04pm

McD's did forget MiL's straw. So she stopped and went in. FiL wanted to go in with her. We said no. So he locked her out.

2:05pm

And it was nice of McD's to give me a bit of burger in my ketchup sandwich. So now I'm wearing ketchup colored shorts. Lucky me.

2:08pm

Asked my wife for a French fry. "Soggy or not?" she replied. Um…

2:14pm

We're almost there. Really, really close. I'm just waiting for MiL to suggest a quick Walmart stop.

2:15pm

She did just point out a Barnes & Noble. I don't know why. I suspect the answer would scare me.

2:18pm

MiL announced she's proud of her special request that the resort give us a room overlooking the pool. All of the rooms overlook the pool.

2:27pm

I'm at Marriott Barony Beach Resort (Hilton Head Island, SC)http://4sq.com/N1fDNy

2:29pm

We're here! We're here! Now where are the margaritas?

2:46pm

Room won't be ready until 4. Me: "Let's explore and see the new stuff they've added." I'm met with silence.

2:56pm

Kids are playing Ping. No real Pong action going on.

3:08pm

I hope who ever designed these is a millionaire by now.pic.twitter.com/uConAFkL

3:11pm (from @AUeligitone) [a Twitter follower]

@MSWallack ….or flask compartment, only to use when done driving of course:-)

3:32pm

Note the "feels like" temperature of 108. How relaxing.pic.twitter.com/U6zrYX6m

3:59pm

Left the kids at the pool. Told 'em not to drown. Said it might ruin my vacation.

4:40pm

It's so hot that moving into the room literally set off the fire alarm. Happening repeatedly, we're told.

4:42pm

View from the balcony on which I plan to spend evenings with a nice cold Sauvignon Blanc. Or nine. pic.twitter.com/QGaB5bL4

5:17pm

Daughter's hair flip! pic.twitter.com/S6CvLk2k

5:19pm

And another try. pic.twitter.com/dE9SG7hs

5:20pm

The kids are going to the hot tub. I guess this "feels like 108" reminds them of an Indiana winter. That or they're crazy.

5:29pm

Wife went to get some cold drinks. Not back yet. I'm worried she melted.

7:31pm

Mother-in-law left for the grocery over 2 hours ago. I'm beginning to wonder if she went to the grocery or if she's making her escape.

7:44pm

Once the sun goes behind the trees and the temperature drops into the double digits … it's still fucking hot! But better.

9:06pm

So the new grill that's open until 9pm actually closes at 7:30. Nothing like making dinner plans on the basis of bad information.

10:15pm (from @erked)

@MSWallack Is there still MiL sushi available?

10:30pm (from @erked) [in reference to my Abbott & Costello tweet]

@MSWallack Third base!

Sunday July 1

10:16am

MiL wants us all to use a marker to mark our plastic cups. She is quite militant about this. A revolt is already brewing.

10:19am

MiL is now upset that I don't know where my wife put the baggies. Very upset. Hmm. Has she considered looking in the kitchen drawers?

10:47am

MiL observes that kitchen trash can is full; she pulls it out from under the sink and puts it in the middle of the kitchen. Is this a hint?

11:22am

Now reading "Free Country a/k/a Song of Treason (Paul Dark #2)" by Paul Dark. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00778 … [Oops. The book is by @jeremyduns]

11:24am

Daughter needs her hair to look just right … before she jumps into the pool and gets it wet. Father logic not working here.

11:26am

"Ding." MiL thinks it's the doorbell. Wife says, "It's my phone." MiL gets up to check the door anyway. She's surprised nobody is there.

11:26am

If you're a fan of Adam Hall's Quiller novels, do yourself a favor & read the Paul Dark novels by @jeremyduns

11:36am (from @jeremyduns)

@MSWallack Many thanks for that!

11:55am

@jeremyduns My pleasure. You do a great job and I'd love for your books to get the readership they/you deserve.

11:58am

@jeremyduns Plus I was feeling magnanimous because Paul Dark kept me company late last night while the family bickered inside.

12:01pm (from @jeremyduns)

@MSWallack :) Thanks - and glad he offered some escape!

12:03pm

@jeremyduns I was sort of wondering how Dark would handle my mother-in-law and dementia-suffering father-in-law. Knives, guns, or fists?

12:04pm (from @jeremyduns)

@MSWallack I can’t possibly answer that! But have been vicariously enjoying your tweets on the topic.

12:05pm

My wife once literally, though accidentally, threw her camera into the ocean. I tactfully suggested she not do that with her new SLR.

2:06pm

Sand dollars carpeting the sea floor. (@ Atlantic ocean)http://4sq.com/KMlrdR

2:09pm

Daughter has a bloody nose. Suggested she go into the ocean to test whether sharks are really attracted to blood. She gives me dirty looks.

5:11pm

One of our usual haunts. (@ Crazy Crab) http://4sq.com/N5CqMb

5:19pm

Not quite sure how to describe one of the problems we had getting ready to go to dinner. Let's just say …um… it was messy. And it wasn't me.

5:22pm

I'm wondering if for the seafood boil the chefs just put the food in a pot and set it outside? No? Too hot?

5:27pm

After reading tweet about sand dollars carpeting the seafloor, wife asks if there was supposed to be a photo. Took my iPhone underwater?

5:31pm

Son: "I recommend swordfish." Sis-in-law: "No! Don't eat swordfish. It's endangered!" Son: "It's already dead." Irrefutable logic.

6:44pm

My daughter has just observed that she talks a lot. Really? I don't think any of us ever noticed.

7:46pm

My sister-in-law's phone. I believe she also still uses a quill pen, wood burning stove, and horse-drawn buggy. pic.twitter.com/h3MfcTJX

7:52pm

Daughter is losing high-stakes shuffleboard game. She declares, "I call losing winning!" Game-based statement or metaphysical observation? [In response to this tweet I picked up several new followers that all appeared to have keyed in on the word “metaphysical”, though it looks like they didn’t stick around for long, once they realized that metaphysics wasn’t the core of my Twitter feed.]

7:55pm

Team of sister-in-law and daughter and daughter losing 44-7. So they've stopped to talk strategy. Um. How 'bout "try to score"?

7:56pm

Wife just had to try to dodge moving shuffleboard pucks. The word "graceful" … well, let's look for another word.

8:06pm

Not sure which was worse: The heavy lady with parts hanging out where they shouldn't…or her tiny bikini bottom riding up where it shouldn't.

8:09pm

And a serious photo (boys, please do not look at the right side of this photo). pic.twitter.com/KCz5LpLK

8:20pm

Just noticed prior post seemed to imply I have two daughters. I do not. I couldn't handle it.

Monday July 2

11:12am

Daughter is having repeated bloody noses. This seems to be diminishing somewhat the fun that she is having.

12:21pm

So relaxing, sitting by the pool, reading my book, with the lovely sound of an extremely loud leaf blower just feet from my ears. Heaven?

12:22pm

My so got out of the pool 37 seconds ago. His hair is already dry.

12:28pm

Grr. I do not have a "so". I have a son. Son. He is so-so.

2:04pm

I learned that it is easier to inflate a beach ball if you seal the valve on the pump. Might have been good info before pumping & pumping.

2:57pm

Interesting full-contact pool volleyball game going on here. Wondering if 1st casualty will be a little kid or Social Security recipient.

3:34pm

Wait! You mean if I don't have sunscreen on like all of me then the sun can like make my skin hurt? This too would have been good to know.

5:14pm

I have (mostly) avoided talking politics during this Twitter travelogue. That has caused me grief, hardship, and pain.

5:14pm

So regular political snark will resume post-vacation (unless I just can't help myself in the meantime).

6:58pm (from @whocares40)

@MSWallack keep up the travelogue tweets, hilarious! All husbands/fathers can relate. How's the couch?

7:24pm

3 books done and several days to go. Now reading "The Moscow Option (Paul Dark #3)" by Jeremy Duns.http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00778 …

7:25pm

@whoecares40 Couch? My wife loves my tweets!

7:49pm

Wife: "What time does the grill close?" Me: "7:30. Why?" Wife: "It's 7:35." Chorus: "Damn." (Well, actually one of us used a harsher word…)

7:57pm

Kids tested the water canons we bought. Sister-in-law is proof they work. Well. Really well.

8:08pm

Kids: "Complain, complain, complain." Wife: "Can we at least see what they don't have before you start complaining?"

8:22pm

Daughter playing gin with sis-in-law (they call it butterbeer instead). Daughter can't fan her cards, so she plays open face. Don't look!

8:27pm

Sitting at the pool bar. Wife can't eat bar food. So she brought a can of chicken. How fancy! pic.twitter.com/yvyN5xmx

9:18pm (from @whoecares40)

@MSWallack hahahaha, you have a good wife!

Tuesday July 3

10:00am

Will whoever is kicking my forehead - from the inside - please stop. Thank you.

10:04am

Mother-in-law always looking for activities for us to do. Seems to miss that what we really want to do is … nothing.

10:35am

Daughter has a zit. I'll admit it's a big zit. She's understandably upset. But in her mind it's so big it's visible from the Space Station.

10:37am (from @barkway)

@MSWallack at least it’s not yearbook photo day!

12:27pm

How cool is this? Ear totally plugged giving me a nasty headache with bonus dizziness! Woohoo!

12:35pm

Just where I want to be on vacation! (@ CVS/Pharmacy)http://4sq.com/N8zzSs

1:06pm

Elderly couple standing in roadway arguing, completely oblivious (or not caring) that they were completely blocking both lanes of traffic.

1:08pm

Just heard a CNBC analyst say "all of these banking scandals aren't installing confidence in retail investors." Gee, ya think not?

1:45pm

Outdoor air conditioning still not working right. Even the cloud cover generator appears to be on the fritz today.

1:46pm

After water weight loss, will the sun and heat burn off fat too, you know, like bacon? If so this may be a great vacation!

1:53pm

I'm watching what must be at least a pound of water weight drop down my chest right now.

1:56pm

Oh, no! The water weight I was trying to sweat off just pooled in my belly button. How will this impact the weight loss strategy?

3:00pm

Group of teen boys wearing their swim trunks low so we can see their underwear. Very urban. Um, guys, why underwear with swim trunks?

3:01pm

Told the ass't food & beverage manager they made a mistake with a particular change. She just smiled and said "OK". I heard "tough shit". [The “marketplace” at the resort sells a big mug with unlimited refills during your stay. In previous years, the mugs were bigger and had an attached straw. The new mugs don’t have straws and the regular straws that the marketplace has are too short for the mugs. This is what I explained to the assistant food & beverage manager.]

3:52pm

My @Klout Score has climbed from 47 to 48!http://klout.com/user/MSWallack …

4:32pm

Mother-in-law keeps turning the AC up to 76 or even hotter. If it's too cold in here, just step outside. Don't punish the rest of us!

5:02pm

I'm at Black Marlin Bayside Grill (Hilton Head Island, SC)http://4sq.com/LPVaLt

6:27pm

Even if swordfish weren't already endangered, they would be the way my son eats them. He could render them extinct all by himself. Quickly.

7:23pm

Serious question: Why does the restroom have yellow rain ponchos hanging on hooks just inside the doorway? (@ Publix) http://4sq.com/NjriJG

8:18pm (from @RainPonchos1984)

@MSWallack To catch urine!?

8:19pm (from @amymasson)

Cake made. Broccoli salad made. Margaritas made. Planning ahead makes to tomorrow much better.

8:24pm

For those who thought I was joking about yellow rain ponchos in the bathroom at the grocery. pic.twitter.com/tkzjCVXB

9:03pm

Sitting on balcony, book in hand, glass of Sauvignon Blanc beside me, fan blowing, citronella burning. Wife needs to bring my cheese plate…

9:09pm

My cheese plate has not yet been delivered. Grumble.

9:14pm

@amymasson Margaritas on 4th of July? What are you, an America-hating Mexico-loving Commie. What's that? They taste good? Oh. Never mind.

9:18pm (from @amymasson)

@MSWallack Yes.

9:20pm

@RainPonchos1984 Sorry. Too gross to even contemplate. Shudder. [And who knew that there was a Twitter account devoted to rain ponchos?]

9:46pm

Cheese plate is not coming. Wife fell asleep in dereliction of marital cheese-plate preparation duties. (See paragraph 17c of our ketubah.)

11:59pm

@jeremyduns So now that I have finished the excellent Paul Dark series (we're gonna have to have a wee talk about that ending), I need to …

Wednesday July 4

12:00am

@jeremyduns … know when your next novel will be coming out. I'm hoping you haven't totally shifted gears to non-fiction & plagiarism! [Duns has ferreted out and written extensively about several examples of massive plagiarism.]

4:08am (from @jeremyduns)

@MSWallack :) Hope you liked it. As soon as I'm finished with my current book I'm starting work on a Paul Dark novel.

9:43am

@jeremyduns Glad to hear it. The character and his story are definitely worth continuing. And yes, I liked the books very much.

9:44am

@jeremyduns I'll post reviews on LibraryThing when I get back from vacation/gulag with the inlaws.

9:51am

Happy birthday to we Happy birthday to we Happy birthday America Happy birthday to we.

10:14am

Now reading "Alpha" by @ruckawriter. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B005UK … 4 books read, 5 days to go!

10:54am (from @jeremyduns)

@MSWallack Thanks very much – enjoy the rest of the gulag! :)

11:49am

Just finished a family pool volleyball game. Children have decided it's more fun to play like seals & hit the ball with their noses. Arf.

1:02pm

My parents have just returned to 100 degree Indianapolis after a cruise to Iceland and Scandinavia. Ha ha ha ha!

1:12pm

In a few minutes South Carolina National Guard F-16s will do a flyover. Kids don't want to see. Big bad Daddy is gonna make 'em!

2:44pm

If this is what global warming feels like, I'm moving to Alaska.

2:55pm

Is this what a shrimp feels like when you toss him on the barbie? Or a lobster in the pot? Or an opossum on a blacktop highway?

3:31pm (from @kiptew)

On our most excellent summer vacation. Yellowstone here we come..okay in a few days. I won't be as prolific as @MSWallack.

3:46pm

@kiptew Travel with a mother-in-law. That will give you plenty of material.

5:11pm

A bee and a wasp have invaded our oven. Wife (a/k/a Madame Insect Destroyer) is arming for battle.

5:29pm

BREAKING NEWS: Father-in-law is staging an escape. Plan appears to involve extrication via an ocean or beach route. More as story develops.

5:34pm

BREAKING NEWS: Special Ops forces (disguised as mother-in-law and wife) have apprehended the fugitive. All facilities now report as secure.

5:36pm

Hey, give me a break! After reading all these books by @BrettBattles, @jeremyduns, & @ruckawriter, I can't help but see things via SpecOps.

5:57pm

Family with 2-year-old. They walk fast. She is slow & goes the wrong way. Then they tease her. She cries. Family values!

6:00pm

MiL researching cost to rent a car & drive home early with FiL. Mixed feelings about this development. Snarky tweets harder without them.

6:07pm

I appear to have a few bright red patches of global warming on my shoulders, knee, and foot. Damn you, Al Gore!

6:13pm (from @kiptew)

Going thru West Branch Iowa, birthplace of Herbert Hoover, I will leave the snark alone for now

6:27pm

Wife has just informed family that anyone who wakes Father-in-Law will be executed. She sounded serious about this threat.

6:59pm

Whole family trapped in bedroom in order not to wake FiL (now code named SALMON). Permeating odor of broccoli helping calm SALMON's nerves.

7:02pm

Wallack family engaged in joint operations in furtherance of MISSION SANDMAN (keeping quiet for SALMON to sleep).pic.twitter.com/Ll0YCdpD

7:34pm

I have escaped MISSION SANDMAN. Re-tasked to OPERATION COOK THE DAMN STEAKS. Mission proceeding as planned.

7:36pm

@kiptew A snark-free vacation is no fun. Go for it. Let the snark fly. Give it some 4th of July independence!

8:06pm (from @marybschneider) [Mary Beth Schneider, reporter for The Indianapolis Star]

@MSWallack @kiptew totally love your vacation tweets. They make me feel like a normal person from a normal family. More or less. Sort of.

8:56pm

@marybschneider Thanks. I think. My wife has suggested I find a way to put the tweets into book format. Maybe I could write for a newspaper?

8:58pm

Decision time: Down to the beach for fireworks or stay in the room with this really yummy Pinot Noir rosé. Hmm.

9:02pm

Fireworks wins. Wine is chilling for when I get back… Late night with my book & wine? Sounds OK. And if wifey will make that cheese plate…

9:29pm

This has become a favorite family tradition: Sitting on the beach watching amateur fireworks. Lots of fun with just a wee bit of danger.

9:34pm

Hoping SALMON doesn't think the sound of these fireworks is really enemy artillery coming in.

10:04pm

For the curious, the reason we've dubbed my father-in-law "SALMON" is because he eats salmon for dinner every night. Every single night.

10:04pm

Group of teens on beach. 2 pretty girls, 2 good looking guys, & a 3rd girl who isn't so pretty. Clearly trying to pair off & ditch girl 3.

10:04pm

Has Mars swapped orbits with the moon? http://yfrog.com/o07rplzj

11:27pm

Gave up on wife making a cheese plate. Did it myself. Next time Miss "Afraid of Worms" sees a worm & wants help, I'll be slicing cheese.

11:49pm

Wife (who once threw a camera into the ocean) has a new SLR. Seems to have a problem remembering to put lens cap on. This won't end well.

Thursday July 5

12:48am (from @KielEWyote)

@MSWallack So? If she throws this one into the ocean, a lens cap isn't gonna save it. :-)

9:35am

@KielEWyote I was thinking more in terms of saving it from flying broccoli spittle, grubby fingers. & other domestic attacks.

11:04am

Wife is yelling at FiL. Apparently he is using a knife to add a new hole to his belt. The problem is that he's currently wearing the belt.

11:58am (from @DavidWarshauer)

@MSWallack Your vacation makes me grateful to only have the problems of mine.

12:08pm (from @WineLibrary)

Did you open up any wine or beer yesterday that was great? Share a photo or regular @ reply with us!

12:17pm

@DavidWarshauer Thanks?

12:38pm

@WineLibrary Belle Glos Pinot Noir Blanc Sonoma Coast Oeil de Perdrix Brugioni Vineyard 2011. Really interesting. Berry and tart. Yummy.

12:49pm

Progress? Yesterday, daughter said my pool shoes were gross. Today she wants to wear them because they're squeaky.

12:49pm (from @WineLibrary)

@MSWallack Very interesting indeed. By the way, a lot of people here at the office reading your tweets. You're on fire this last week. :)

12:51pm

@WineLibrary My travelogue is an (almost) annual tradition. And it helps me keep my sanity. Almost.

12:56pm

@WineLibrary Oh, and if you like what I'm doing I'm always willing to accept liquid compensation for my hard (dry) work!

1:07pm (from @WineLibrary)

@MSWallack Unfortunately our great state doesn't allow us to ship free wine, but we would if we could. (=

1:09pm

@WineLibrary A guy can always try…

1:13pm

After FiL's adventure with knives this morning, wife has apparently hidden all knives. Gonna be tough to cut leftover steak with spoons.

1:19pm

Apparent knives are now kept in our bedroom closet.

1:55pm

I to bock ant road me twoots ant im annored at aff teh tupos.

2:09pm

Wife demanded a translation for my last tweet. Ok. Here it is.

אני חוזר וקורא tweets שלי, אני כועס על כל שגיאות הקלדה על

2:12pm

How was I supposed to know she wanted the translation into English?

I go back and read my tweets and I'm annoyed at all the typos.

2:26pm

Daughter trying to decide whether to stay at pool or go up to watch today's episode of the Grandpa Comedy & Variety Hour.

2:46pm

Came back to the room and found grandpa's sweater in our bedroom. Hmm. Wait! Has he been searching … for the knives?!

2:48pm

Just learned that my Mazda RX-8 will be getting yet another new engine (under warranty) plus lots of other non-warranty repairs. Goody?

3:02pm

Tonight we make our annual, legally mandated pilgrimage to Salty Dog. Must. Buy. T-shirts. Must. Buy. T-shirts. Must. Buy. T-shirts. Must.

3:31pm (from @kiptew)

On our most excellent summer vacation. Yellowstone here we come..okay in a few days. I won’t be as prolific as @MSWallack.

3:43pm

@ruckawriter Just finished "Alpha". Fun story. I'll post a review on LibraryThing next week. A few questions: Why the decision to shift…

3:44pm

@ruckawriter … tenses within the storytelling? Also, loved the idea of Athena. What was the inspiration for a deaf character and how did…

3:46pm

@ruckawriter … you capture her thoughts about being deaf so well? Makes me want a YA spinoff about Athena for my daughter (no, not deaf).

4:03pm

Now reading "Satori" by @donwinslow. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0047Y … Prequel to Trevanian's "Shibumi", one of my all-time favorite books.

4:49pm

Daughter spilled red nail polish on the carpet. However, it unfortunately looks like my father-in-law found the knives and made a real mess.

5:07pm

Father-in-law sounds very depressed that we're going home on Saturday. He wants us to leave tomorrow. Or now.

5:46pm

Wife and mother-in-law now arguing about how the car's AC works. This seems important to argue about, especially while driving in traffic.

5:49pm

Wife talking to a friend on the phone. I keep expecting to hear a whispered plea for a rescue.

6:19pm

Wait at Salty Dog was 1½ - 2 hours. Not interested.

6:46pm

Father-in-law, who almost only eats salmon, is now acting the gourmand and telling us where we can and can't have dinner.

6:48pm

So far he's picked out a hotel, an insurance company, an empty building, and a few places that would send my wife to the hospital.

6:51pm

Wife is now being as (or more) particular than father-in-law. And not on the basis of what she can't eat.

7:09pm

Father-in-law's comedic lines are coming so fast and furious, I can't keep up with the tweeting.

7:12pm

Did I mention that he's not trying to be funny?

7:22pm

Father-in-law has just proclaimed Wendy's chicken sandwich better than McD's. "A lot of salad in here," he says, as he picks lettuce off

7:25pm

The Earl of Sandwich would not be happy with my father-in-law who has rejected the idea of eating food between pieces of bread.

7:27pm

It's fun posting tweets that make my wife laugh, but she can't laugh out loud or else my mother-in-law might ask "what's so funny?"

7:32pm

Wife and I now have the possibility to escape. How far can we get on foot?

7:36pm (from @ruckawriter)

@MSWallack Went with present for two reasons - 1, wanted to break voice from past style; 2, added immediacy that seemed to serve it well.

7:37pm (from @ruckawriter)

@MSWallack That was ALL research, man. Just having very smart, very knowledgable people who were willing and able to help and guide me.

7:42pm

@ruckawriter I thought as much. To me it both worked & didn't. I appreciated the immediacy, but the switches were a bit of a jolt.

7:44pm

@ruckawriter It's cool to see how well detailed research can pay off when a talented writer puts it to good use.

7:46pm

Father-in-law now sitting by the screen door wearing his sweater. Note "feels like" temperature of 96•. http://yfrog.com/ocdptnyj

7:48pm

I've learned that authors on Twitter are usually quick to respond to queries from readers & like to discuss their writing process. Fun.

8:48pm

Wife and mother-in-law still trying to clean the blood - oops, nail polish - out of the carpet. Me? I'm making myself a cheese plate.

8:58pm

Wife: "I'm thinking that scrubbing carpets isn't a vacation activity." maybe not. But making a cheese plate is.

9:33pm

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"How much longer."

"A while. Read your book."

Oh, sorry. Practicing for the drive home.

10:09pm

Father-in-law has locked mother-in-law out of their bedroom so he can sleep. I'm not sure which side to take in this particular squabble.

10:11pm

Kids ran a quick SpecOps mission, sneaking into in-laws' bedroom to unlock the patio door so MiL can sneak in after FiL locks her out again.

10:18pm

In addition to typos, it appears that my rapid fire tweeting has some unfortunate grammatical errors, too. This depresses me greatly.

10:22pm (from @AngryBlackLady)

Paper shouldn't beat rock.

10:38pm

Kids have written a country ditty. Neither Miranda Lambert nor Blake Shelton (they're country stars, right?) need worry about competition.

10:41pm

@AngryBlackLady When my son was 5, we were playing RPS waiting for our airplane to take off. Right as the wheels lifted, instead of …

10:43pm

@AngryBlackLady … throwing rock, paper, or scissors, he throws a fist with his thumb pointing up. "What's that?" I asked. "Bomb!" he yells.

10:47pm (from @AngryBlackLady)

@MSWallack Hahahaha. That’s really cute!

10:50pm

I'm trying to think of a good reason why my wife & daughter keep their flatiron (curling iron?) on the nightstand. Midnight hair repair?

10:51pm

Oh, oh! Perhaps sleeping in close proximity to a flatiron reduces the severity of bedhead. Yeah, that must be it. But it's not working.

11:10pm

@AngryBlackLady Cute? You try explaining that to a flight attendant just a few years after 9/11!

11:11pm (from @AngryBlackLady)

@MSWallack hahahahaha

11:27pm (from @SusanNell3)

@MSWallack you need to take a vacation to NC”, says friend.

Friday July 6

9:36am

Last day. But we feel like we need a vacation to recover from this "vacation". (@ Marriott Barony Beach Resort) http://4sq.com/OdF3ch

9:55am

We're going to try frying some eggs on the sidewalk today. Worried it will be too hot and we'll just burn the eggs.

9:57am

Also, plan is to dump some coffee beans into the pool and see what enormous bulk instant coffee tastes like.

10:19am

I bought a battery powered table fan. Right now it's trying to blow on itself.

10:23am

Wife & mother-in-law brought back a dozen chocolate frosted, cream-filled doughnuts. My son has claimed all of them. They're all he eats.

10:36am (from @DougMasson)

So far today, I've quoted (at least) Orwell, Dostoyevsky, Ice Cube, and Flock of Seagulls. ‪#range‬

12:04pm

I just beat the kids in this year's volleyball challenge, 21-4, 21-2. Safe guess: No volleyball scholarships in this family.

12:08pm

I made a poolside cheese plate. Query: Do I share with the ketubah-breaching, non-cheese plate preparing wife?

12:10pm

Cool. Put a piece of cheese on a cracker at poolside and voila, instant grilled cheese!

12:18pm

Hey @MarriottIntl, I just wanted to thank you for running leaf blowers & hedge trimmers poolside all week long. Can't hear the pool music.

12:19pm

Oh, @MarriottIntl, it was also a great idea to clean the pool shortly after people started swimming and playing.

12:20pm

Seriously, @MarriottIntl, my wife & I shouldn't have to shout at each other just to be heard because your maintenance equipment is SO loud.

12:24pm

@DougMasson I think you need to broaden your repertoire a bit, don't you? I mean that's a pretty narrow range of voices.

12:29pm

My poolside dancing is embarrassing the family. ‪#winning‬

12:30pm

How come music outside is '60s greatest hits but inside is Vampire Weekend?

12:50pm

Kids wanted pizza for lunch. We just brought some frozen pizzas out and set them in the pool deck. They were ready in about 3 minutes.

12:51pm

We're all trying to gather our emotional strength and sanity before the drive home with grandpa.

1:58pm (from @MariottIntl)

@MSWallack We saw your tweet; do you need assistance? If so, please DM details and your contact info. Thank you! [I suspect that they wanted me to DM (direct message) so that my complaints and our discussion would not be public.]

2:01pm

@MarriottIntl No I don't need assistance. I just want you to be aware of non-guest friendly practices at Barony Beach on Hilton Head.

2:02pm

Kids demanded a volleyball rematch but required wife play on my team. We lost 21-10. What does this say about wife's athletic skils?

2:03pm

After wife's really poor performance at volleyball, I think she should stick to cheese plates. Oh, wait. Never mind.

2:06pm

Tried to explain some simple volleyball fundamentals to wife. Like explaining the high jump to an alligator or 100 meter dash to a sloth.

2:21pm (from @MarriottIntl)

@MSWallack Thank you for the info; we will share your feedback. We appreciate you taking the time to contact us; have a good weekend!

2:22pm

Wife said it's so hot she feels "like a Barbie on the grill." It's hot, but she's not a tall leggy blonde. More "shrimp on the barbie".

2:29pm

Daughter manages to lock us all out of the bathroom. We call front desk for a key. They tell us cap of the pen by the phone works as key.

2:32pm (from @Lilyian)

@MSWallack Strategy. It’s all about the strategy….

2:34pm (from @Lilyian)

@MSWallack Exactly how did you plan to get home from vacation? Run beside my car?

3:12pm

@Lilyian Might be more relaxing than sitting in the car listening to the kids argue & your father try to talk your mother into an accident.

3:34pm

Father-in-law is asking us if he has to go to the bathroom. Not really sure how to answer.

3:39pm

Possible severe storms may keep us from Salty Dog. Is there a fine for visiting Hilton Head and not going to Salty Dog.

3:41pm

Wife and MiL arguing about whether FiL should change pants after going to the bathroom. Issue seems to be how long they will take to dry.

3:51pm

Father-in-law wants to tell the resort that he's a shareholder to see if they'll give us something special. He owns 1 share.

4:48pm

I think my father-in-law is using his lap to save half of his salad for the drive home tomorrow. He did eat a few bites.

5:09pm

Father-in-law moved the salmon from his plate into his sweater before eating it. And yes, he's wearing a sweater in this heat.

5:50pm

Wife is in Walmart … by herself. Father-in-law is not happy about this. He wants to go in and find her. Just in case.

5:56pm

Father-in-law is now convinced we're actually in St. Louis. It must be that huge silver arch over the island.

6:00pm

Kids have just informed me that there isn't a huge silver arch over the island.

6:00pm (from @DougMasson)

@MSWallack Walmart? I might be on FiL’s side on this one. peopleofwalmart.com

6:12pm

@DougMasson Good point. I think his concerns were more of "evil person do evil thing" variety, not that wife would start wearing a thong.

6:31pm

Father-in-law didn't want to get out of the car. "Too cold," he says. Note that it "feels like" 104•. http://yfrog.com/h75p0rrj

6:32pm

Wife now eating - and wearing - chocolate ice cream soup.

6:35pm

Daughter just described wife's volleyball methodology as "waving her hands around, like T-Rex hands."

6:55pm

Son may have left his iPod touch at the restaurant. Rescue mission or punishment lesson?

7:01pm

IPod Touch has been found. Considering losing son instead.

8:05pm (from @Still_H20)

@MSWallack Yes.

8:16pm

As I Pirate fan, I must quote President Obama: “Something very important has happened: the Pirates and the White Sox are in first place.”

8:22pm (from @erked)

@MSWallack Rescue it, but hold it hostage for several days. Erase all his music, and sync it only to your Big Country discography.

9:20pm

@erked No go. He found it. But only after I have him better suggestions of where to look.

9:24pm

Packing. Sad. Actually, given that my wife refused to make me a cheese plate, I've mostly let her pack. Besides, I've got reading to do!

9:38pm (from @KielEWyote)

@MSWallack You and cheese… so high maintenance! LOL :-)

9:40pm

@KielEWyote Before we got married, I told her all I really needed was for her to slice me some cheese, wash & cut some fruits & veggies.

9:41pm

@KielEWyote She tries to accommodate me in years that are prime numbers.

9:42pm (from @KielEWyote)

@MSWallack Ha ha! She’s a smart one!

9:43pm

@KielEWyote Remind me that if we ever have you over to our house for wine & cheese … no cheese for you!

9:46pm (from @KielEWyote)

@MSWallack How about I get cheese and no wine? All those years in Catholicism, I’ve had my share of wine. Ha ha!

9:49pm

@KielEWyote Fine. Kraft American for you. You can watch me drink a 2005 Bordeaux. Wife can't drink so she'll share your cheese.

10:35pm (from @shoupus) [Jenny Shoup, one of my law partners]

I'm at RockSugar Pan Asian Kitchen (Los Angeles, CA) http://4sq.com/Ogb9nE

10:42pm

Wife & mother-in-law now arguing about whether to pack MiL's unopened bottle of Canola oil. Don't you take Canola oil on vacation?

10:43pm

@shoupus I'm not.

Saturday, July 7

7:33am

Checking out and heading home. Gonna try to make it in one day. (@ Marriott Barony Beach Resort) http://4sq.com/NLO2jw

8:28am

Leaving exactly one hour late. Is this a good start or not?

8:44am

Kids are watching Doctor Who. Time paradoxes appear to play havoc with daughter's brain.

8:45am

Father-in-law appears to have lost something, but can't remember what. So he's gonna rummage around the car to try to find whatever it is.

8:48am

Wife is not pleased that I didn't shower this morning (um, weren't we trying to hurry?). Told her I could shower at a truck stop.

8:49am

Wife now says that I stink. I told her it's manly aroma that should make her want to get up and make a cheese plate.

9:27am

The car is very quiet. Bad for tweeting but very, very good for collective sanity.

9:55am

At a rest stop for a potty break. MiL sees a map on the wall. "Oh, what's that a map of?" Me: "South Carolina." Mil: "How interesting."

10:22am

Father-in-law back to rummaging in the magic drawer (glove compartment) hoping some chocolates will magically appear.

10:36am (from @erked)

@MSWallack For vacation, I rely solely on rapeseed oil.

10:37am

@erked Hey, hey. There are children in this posse.

Reply posted July 9, 6:58 am (after the end of this travelogue) @MSWallack Sorry, that was unintentionally weird and a result of my juvenile tittering over the word "rapeseed."

10:41am

And now we're back to changing lanes every 84 seconds or so, with the occasional fake out or swerve thrown in for … whoa! … good measure.

11:37am

Ok. This is going to take several tweets to get the full story. We stop at a Shell/Circle K for a bathroom for FiL. MiL pulls up to drop …

11:38am

… him off and then she'll go park. He gets out and "drops something" but he doesn't know what. Son get out to help him. They both go in …

11:44am

By the time I get in I find son has raced past FiL into the ONLY bathroom. Yes, just 1. Recall we stopped because FiL really had to go.

11:45am

So while waiting, I found some deodorant (now wife is complaining I got the wrong one - it was a gas station for crying out loud!).

11:46am

Eventually it was daughter's turn (after FiL and son). She saw how disgusting it was and refused. So we decided to go somewhere else.

11:47am

Now remember, we're trying to hurry so we can get home in one day. Nevertheless, before we can leave MiL decides to buy a $1 lottery ticket!

11:48am

But first she must interrogate the mostly asleep clerk to learn everything she can about the different litter tickets. The rest of us, well…

11:49am

… WE WANT TO USE A BATHROOM! Finally she finishes and we all walk out the door … but then FiL turns and heads back to the bathroom again.

11:51am

Finally, back in the car we start looking for another place with a restroom. After a few minutes, we turn around to go the other way…

11:52am

As we pass the place we'd already gone, FiL points it out and says we could stop there, then gets agitated by our collective "No!"

11:53am

Eventually, after going over hill & dale, we found a Burger King (none of us dared eat there) with clean enough bathrooms. Only 30+ minutes!

11:54am

Remind me to check to see if her lottery ticket won.

11:56am

MiL didn't ask store clerk about "litter tickets". She asked about lottery tickets. I'm not sure what a litter ticket is.

12:01pm

MiL has now complained that we're not helpful because we don't have immediate answers for traffic issues and get annoyed at her annoyance.

12:11 (from @Still_H20)

@MSWallack impressive u r able to live tweet this excursion.

12:18pm

Major traffic jam. I found us a way around lots of the traffic but not enough. And we didn't want to venture off into banjo country.

12:22pm

Bad accident. SB traffic stopped. Lifeline helicopter in the road. Heavy traffic on our side just for looky-loos.

12:24pm

@Still_H20 MiL drives. Wife and I are in the back, kids in the middle as a snark buffer.

1:22pm

Is South Carolina the biggest state in the country? I ask because we've been driving and driving and driving and … well you get the picture.

1:24pm

Stop 3 (still in South Carolina). Argh! (@ McDonald's)http://4sq.com/MR5iJs

1:25pm

Maybe they moved Indiana further away? Just to screw with us.

1:27pm (from @DougMasson)

@MSWallack We weren't supposed to tell. But . . . surprise! (We moved it somewhere over by Kansas.)

1:30pm

@DougMasson Why am I not surprised that you're responsible?

1:35pm

I've just been told by a wholly unreliable source that Indiana has, in fact, been moved. Somewhere near Kansas, I'm told.

1:37pm (from @DougMasson)

@MSWallack Just trying to get back to Central Time. Thought I'd hide behind Illinois and Missouri as buffer states.

1:37pm

After I order a drink, MiL informs us she's gonna stop at the neighboring gas station to buy water. After McD's drive-thru.

1:37pm

As soon as we clear the drive-thru, FiL announces he needs to use the bathroom. At McD's. Not gas station. I decide to go too.

1:39pm

But by the time I'm finished and done, FiL is still getting out of the car. So MiL is walking to the gas station while I watch FiL.

1:42pm

No. She waited until he was done. Now she's walking to the gas station. It's like she doesn't want to get home today.

1:43pm

And the potty break was extra long because FiL couldn't figure out how to flush the toilet. Then …

1:44pm

I had to show him the sink so he didn't wash in his hands in the urinal. Then I had to help him turn on the water (an automatic faucet).

1:49pm

Mother-in-law has been in the gas station buying a bottle of water for over 10 minutes. Buying lottery tickets again?

1:53pm

Can't leave McD's yet. Can't find FiL's teeth. "They're in the green bag," says wife. "No I moved them," says MiL, "but I don't know where."

1:54pm

Wife just broke the car window with her head. Figuratively (well mostly) of course. It did make a satisfying "thunk" sound.

1:54pm (from @barkway)

Too funny!» @MSWallack: Can’t leave McD’s yet. Can’t find FiL’s teeth. “They’re in the green (cont) tl.gd/i7doaq

1:59pm

After that stop, I now suspect that Indiana has been moved yet further. Maybe closer to Colorado?

2:00pm

Wife just texted her sister that we've been touring South Carolina, driving from bathroom to bathroom for the last 5 1/2 hours.

2:07pm (from @bmk)

@MSWallack Judging from how it feels outside, the only direction we're moving is closer to the Sun.

2:09pm

@bmk That certainly sounds possible. I have some global warming on my shoulder, knee, and foot.

2:12pm (from @aaronecarroll) [Aaron Carroll, doctor, educator, and co-author of Don't Swallow Your Gum!: Myths, Half-Truths, and Outright Lies About Your Body and Health and Don't Cross Your Eyes...They'll Get Stuck That Way!: And 75 Other Health Myths Debunked] 

@MSWallack judging by temp, Indiana has moved to the equator.

2:12pm

Just passed a horse trailer. Sad to know that their ride is probably more comfortable than ours. Nay nay whinny nay.

2:16pm

Mother-in-law now apparently trying to play some kind of game with the horses in the trailer. Swerving toward them to scare 'em, perhaps?

2:16pm

Finally made it to North Carolina. I'm worried that they will have added a West Carolina for us to drive through too.

2:21pm

Now FiL is trying to discern the purpose of today's trip. We need to remind him every 20 minutes or so that we're on the way home.

2:21pm

Wife is not enjoying the mixture of the (apparently nasty) deodorant I bought and leftover McD's chicken wrap.

2:50pm

Stop 4. (@ Citgo) http://4sq.com/NeehiJ

3:00pm

FiL announces he needs another bathroom break. MiL gets off the highway. Then FiL says "I didn't mean now; I meant soon." We stopped anyway.

3:01pm

Talked to a cop at the gas station. Hoping he would arrest me (thus saving me from this car ride).

3:02pm

Now that we're back in the car, mother-in-law has decided to rearrange her stuff. Just because.

3:06pm

Just as we get onto the highway, father-in-law starts eating prunes. We just stole them from him; hid them, too.

3:10pm

Son handing paper towels to us when MiL swerves so violently, they fly out of his hand. Looked weightless as they bounced off the ceiling.

3:19pm

My wife has just discovered that while peanut butter may mix well with chocolate, her Kindle does not.

3:31pm

@donwonslow In the Author's Note to "Satori" you ask how Trevanian's fans would respond. You are no "pretender to the throne". Well done. [Unfortunately, I had a type in Mr. Winslow’s Twitter handle. I noticed while preparing this compilation, so I corrected and resent the tweet.]

3:38pm

Now reading "Blood Oath (President's Vampire #1)" by Christopher Farnsworth. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B003NX …

3:58pm

FiL has just noticed the GPS. He seems to dispute that it knows where we're going. He also worries that we don't know where we are.

4:00pm

MiL, while driving on the twisting roads in the big hills (I refuse to call them mountains) decides it's a good time to play with her phone.

4:12pm

Listening to FiL rant, we're not sure whether to laugh or cry. It's sad to see what dementia can do … but it can also offer up good comedy.

4:13pm

Right now he doesn't believe that we're headed home, that we had to go through mountains, that we know where we are or which way to go.

4:14pm

MiL already planning our next stops.

4:18pm

FiL now complaining that it's almost dark and not safe to keep driving. MiL made him take off his sunglasses.

4:27pm

Father-in-law now yelling that we're lost in the mountains. Telling his sister (on the phone) to come "up here" to get him.

4:28pm

Did I mention that we've been out of the big hills for half an hour or so? Road now is long, straight, and mostly flat.

4:42pm

We have reluctantly just passed the prunes back to the front of the car.

4:46pm

Didn't @DEVO have a song "Jerkin' Back 'n' Forth"? Mother-in-law must be a @DEVO fan based on her driving technique today.

4:59pm

We're stopping for gas. Father-in-law angry because he isn't ready to use the bathroom yet.

4:59pm

Stop 5. (@ Exxon Oil) http://4sq.com/MaUq4B

5:10pm

Father-in-law continuing to rant. Mother-in-law, in exasperation, says, "Are you nuts?" Wife & I from the back: "Yes!"

5:12pm

Wife just brought out a can of chicken. Eating it with a knife (sorry, no forks). And she complains about my deodorant?

5:12pm

If mother-in-law keeps jerkin' back 'n' forth like this, my wife will be wearing her can of chicken.

5:16pm

Good time to repeat a tweet from 2010 travelogue: "It' s ha rd to typ ew hen my mot her-in -low keeeeps jer king teh carr all ovur de rood."

5:18pm

If you're enjoying the 2012 Wallack Twitter Travelogue, here's a link to the compiled 2010 edition: http://blog.wallack.us/2010/07/wallac …

5:20pm

Father-in-law doesn't want to go to Lexington. Wants to go home. Lexington is on the way home.

5:23pm

Mother-in-law has been spelling L-E-X-I-N-G-T-O-N to father-in-law for the last 10 minutes. By now, even I'm confused.

5:26pm

Wife now suggesting father-in-law and daughter get a hotel room together so we don't have to hear them complain.

6:07pm

Mother-in-law now trying reverse psychology to get father-in-law to take a nap. Either it'll work or she'll go bonkers too.

6:18pm

First wife won't make me a cheese plate. Now she won't even feed me her Cheetos. Just what is the world com … OUCH!

6:51pm

Stop 6. (@ Wendy's) http://4sq.com/M8Fjy5

7:10pm

This. Wendy's. Is. Slopoooooooooooooooow. [And no, the p in the word Slopoooooooooooooooow was not intentional.]

7:17pm

MiL wants to drive with her sandwich in one hand, her phone in 2nd hand, helping FiL eat with 3rd hand, & drive with 4th hand. What? Wait!

7:23pm

Fly in car wants to be a martyr. Dive-bombing MiL. Then over to FiL causing him to spill food onto the food he'd spilled on himself earlier.

7:25pm

Stopping again so MiL can clean up FiL. He doesn't want to give her his food and is fighting her for it.

7:27pm

Stop 7. I think. I may have lost count. (@ Shell Gas Station)http://4sq.com/N9qgkD

7:28pm

We are now taking bets on whether we'll get home by midnight.

7:29pm

Father-in-law's door is open. He can't figure out how to close it. Oh, and MiL is mad at us.

7:30pm

Now father-in-law is back to wondering where we're going and why. Still not believing that we're going home.

7:43pm

Father-in-law wants dinner. Doesn't believe we just had dinner. Not like there's a mess in his lap for evidence, or anything.

7:58pm (from @amymasson)

@MSWallack So, does he have a memory problem?

8:00pm

@amymasson Dementia. And afternoons are the worst. I think they refer to it as "Sundowner's Syndrome".

8:00pm (from @amymasson)

@MSWallack Sounds like a hoot.

8:02pm

@amymasson That's one word for it. Like I tweeted earlier, both sad & comic at the same time. I's easier to find humor than to focus on bad.

8:03pm

MiL tailgating car in front of us. Wife: "You're too close to this car." MiL: "I know." And on we drive.

8:14pm

Listening to the ongoing discussion between FiL & MiL about our journey and where they will sleep tonight would make Abbot & Costello proud.

8:16pm

Father-in-law now claiming that we've kept secret from him the fact that other people are in the car with him. He's surprised to see us.

8:19pm

Wife has just suggested the invention of a "senior citizen gag". We could test it on my mother-in-law. Oh, wait. I have that wrong don't I?

8:48pm

Now father-in-law thinks we're driving to the airport to "ship him off" to … somewhere. It is tempting.

8:51pm

Once again, sorry for the dark turn this travelogue has taken, but it's a relief valve for the stress in the car. Humor instead of tears.

9:01pm

Father-in-law yelling that his doc said he isn't supposed to have stress. If he'd take a nap (as doc suggests) we wouldn't have stress.

9:04pm

Now he's raving that we're all going to go to jail because of what we're "doing to him".

9:16pm

Daughter talking him off the ledge by asking him about events from his past. Might be working.

9:39pm

Daughter did a great job asking FiL questions about his past. Seemed to calm him down and tire him out. At least a bit.

9:44pm

Daughter now says "we owe her" for her efforts to help grandpa. I told her I'd give her a vacation to Hilton Head.

10:27pm

Wife has been invited to see "Magic Mike" friends. This is fine; it's about me after all. But she better come home with a damn cheese plate!

10:29pm (from @KielEWyote)

@MSWallack Everyday you talk about cheese, you remind me more of Steve Urkel. :-) http://twitpic.com/a5626w

10:30pm

@KielEWyote Nah. Not just any cheese will do. And a good cheese plate should include some grapes, too. Maybe bell peppers.

10:33pm

@KielEWyote Funny thing is, I really don't eat that much cheese. But it's become a special treat late at night at Hilton Head (w/ wine!).

10:36pm

So close to home I can almost smell it. Of course we have to drop off (and unload) MiL & FiL first, so who knows when we'll really get home.

10:43pm

I'm thinking of sleeping in the refrigerator tonight. Pros & cons?

11:14pm

Home. 14.5 hours.

And there you have it: The Wallack Family 2012 Summer Vacation Travelogue! Will there be future episodes? Who knows. It doesn’t seem likely that my father-in-law will be able to travel anymore. And, as I noted, it’s hard to tweet while driving. But I’ve had a lot of fun doing these and I’m going to try to find ways to continue some kind of vacation travelogues in the future.

Oh, and if you’re a publisher interested in a humorous travelogue book… or maybe you want to make a movie or TV show? Well, my contact info is in the upper left corner of this blog! Get in touch!

Update (July 17, 2012): Corrected the dates of the first two entries (from July 27 and July 29, to June 27 and June 29).