Why Does Starbucks Hate Jews? (Sarcasm Alert!)

Why does Starbucks hate Jews? Is anti-Semitism an ingrained part of the Starbucks corporate culture? Given recent events, I’ve been forced to ask these difficult questions.

“What the heck are you talking about?” I hear you ask.

By now I’m sure you seen or read that some Christians are angry at Starbucks because this year, Starbucks has chosen to use red cups with the green Starbucks logo for the holiday season instead of having symbols of the season on the cups.

Apparently, some Christians have taken offense, arguing that Starbucks “hates Jesus” or is trying to take Christ out of Christmas. Even Donald Trump is now suggesting that a boycott of Starbucks might be worth discussing.

Now, to be fair, there are a lot of people who are rightly recognizing that this newest battle in the “War on Christmas” is utter and total bullshit and that the color of a coffee cup has nothing to do with Jesus or Christmas. Some have gone to far as to suggest that if you need your coffee cup to promote your religion, then you have bigger troubles.

But the whole situation did get me thinking and made me ask one important question: Why are the cups red and not blue?

Red is the color of Christmas, but blue is the color of Hanukkah. Starbucks has chosen, year after year, to use red cups instead of blue cups. Why? Why does Starbucks celebrate Christmas and leave out their Jewish customers? Clearly the answer is that Starbucks is hates Jews. That is the only possible explanation, right? The red cups don’t symbolize a War on Christmas; rather, they are a symbol of Starbucks’ Christian values and a weapon in the War on Hanukkah, which is merely the first campaign in the War on Jews. Removing symbols of the season from the red cups merely allows Starbucks to focus its efforts on the color of Christmas without any possibility of any symbol being thought of as generic or having any applicability to Hanukkah or Jews.

And guess what? Starbucks even sells a “Christmas Blend” coffee.

Where is the Hanukkah blend? Where are the potato latkes? Why isn’t anyone else talking about the clear examples of anti-Semitism being exhibited by Starbucks?

Starbucks may be taking the Christ out of Christmas, but it looks like they must be trying to shove it into the coffee served to Jews. That is the only explanation that I can think of.

So stand with me. Stand up to the corporate juggernaut of anti-Semitic coffee. Take a stand and make Starbucks end their War on Hanukkah! Do it now, before it’s too late! Do it now before we have to eat fruitcakes instead of latkes and replace Hanukkah gelt with over-priced, fair trade, non-GMO chocolate.

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Any of you who weren’t able to tell that this post was entirely sarcastic should probably seek help. But, for the record (because I’m sure that someone somewhere will try to claim that I was serious): I do not believe that Starbucks hates Jews, is anti-Semitic, or is waging a War on Hanukkah. But you know what else? I also don’t believe that Starbucks hates Jesus, is trying to take the Christ out of Christmas, or is part of the so-called (bullshit) “War on Christmas”. It’s just a damn coffee cup.

Happy Holidays!