Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Let’s Play Palin History!

Following Sarah Palin’s recent word salad description of Paul Revere’s ride (and her subsequent Bafflegab* attempt to support her original mishmash), a new game of sorts appeared on Twitter under the hashtag #PalinHistory. Essentially, folks on Twitter began recasting events from history in a more Palin-esque fashion. Below, are a some of the #PalinHistory tweets that made me chuckle. As you read, please try to imagine Sarah’s voice … it won’t be too difficult:

  • "Roe versus Wade" were George Washington's two choices for how to get across the Delaware River.
  • Those who don't learn from the History Channel are doomed to watch the repeats
  • The only reason we have climate change is because Reagan ended the COLD war.
  • The Founding Fathers loved Jesus almost as much as they hated slavery.
  • Pioneers had to form militias to hunt down the Indians who were in this country illegally when the real Americans got here from Europe.
  • The Statue of Liberty holds a torch because she's watching to make sure no illegal immigrants sneak in.
  • In 1968, Minister & civic rights leader, Rodney King was tragically slain by a lone gunman named James Earl Jones.
  • 'It's just like when Thomas Paine invented the window, so, um, we could see freedom better ... '
  • I'm now at 1601 followers. Same year the Pilgrims wrote the constitution at Plymouth station wagon.
  • If only Abe Lincoln hadn't watched that play from the john wilkes booth and sat in a regular seat like everyone else.
  • The Ku Klux Klan was a fraternal organization that tried to introduce African-Americans to nature, particularly trees.
  • Davy Crickett, best known as Pinocchio's conscience, killed Bear Bryant when he was only three.
  • During WWII, Jews in Europe chose to wear yellow Stars of David as show of their immense faith
  • They called the Hiroshima bomb the Adam Bomb because it was the first one, just like in the Bible
  • The Boxer Rebellion was when Tyson bit Holyfield's ear off and spit it into Don King's hair.
  • Saddam Hussein got his yellowcake from a guy named Duncan Hines.
  • Before the Pony Express, you had to wait weeks for your pony to be delivered.
  • John Lennon led the Russian revolution. And that's when all the trouble started.
  • In 1776, some guys wrote the Declaration of the Preamble to the 2nd Amendment.. or something.
  • The "Trail of Tears" is the story of John Boehner's courageous journey from his humble beginnings in Ohio to the US Congress.
  • Lewis Clark explored this great country of ours, also, guided by George Jefferson's wife, Sacajaweezy.
  • Colonel Sanders fought at Gettysburg to preserve the rights of chickens.
  • Thomas Jefferson got rid of his slaves after he and Weezy moved on up to the East Side.
  • The Alamo was a fort to prevent illegal immigration which fell when Carlos Santana attacked Daniel Boone
  • Founding Father Sam Adams was able to start his brewery in 1983, because Reagan was President and he kept taxes low.
  • Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, and then rose three days later. And then he invented the town car.
  • Palin Thinks "Roe versus Wade" were George Washington's two choices for how to get across the Delaware River.
  • Row vs Wade is a decision we all have to make when crossing a creek or river.
  • I got lost trying to find Gettysburg Address. Should've used GPS.
  • President Obama has to stop the spending! We didn't need a "Louisiana purchase" we already OWNED it because our oil is there!
  • Little did the Donner Party know they would be the first party to serve All-American style barbecue to the Western states.
  • Marilyn was way ahead of her time with that Monroe Doctrine of hers. Go feminists!
  • The Original Tea Party happened because the King of England wouldn't let the Indians drink their morning coffee.
  • Abraham Lincoln's "Gettysburg Address" was his last known address before he moved to the White House!
  • The Founding Fathers immortalized my right to shoot eagles with a submachinegun in the US Constitution.
  • The Cold War was not due to climate change
  • George Washington defended Robert E. Lee's right to free speech at Gettysburg and later they ate cherry pie.
  • Israel was founded by America in 1892 to prevent the Al Qaeda from blowing up the Hoover Dam
  • Paul Revere went on Ed Sullivan to warn of the British Invasion. One if by land, two if she loves you (yeah yeah yeah)
  • He rode a horse HERE? in this traffic?
  • Lewis & Clarke started an Expedition because they didn't have a Prius.
  • Union workers don't work as hard as real, folksy Americans. That's why the Union Army lost the Civil War.
  • George Washington threw a quarter across the Potomac which hit the Liberty Bell, and taught it how to "let freedom ring"
  • The Statute of Liberty is a warning from the French that we should reject 8-week paid vacations & universal healthcare.
  • When Paul Revere was in the bell tower with his lanterns, he could see Russia from up there.
  • "Our nation didn't fall apart when British fired on the Mayflower that dark morning in Dallas. We won that war in Vietnam!"
  • Reagan freed the slaves after defeating Chicago in the Civil War.
  • "& let's never forget those first Americans, dumping that tea in the Bay of Pigs to tell those communists that we are free..."
  • Dinosaurs went extinct because of too strict hunting regulations on early man.
  • Fave Jefferson quote: "No man has a natural right to commit aggression on the equal rights of a corporate lobbyist."
  • As grueling as Paul Revere's ride was, he was still able to write "Cherokee Nation" between stops. Genius!
  • The Statute of Liberty has the immigration law carved into the base, but Vespucci was a liberal blogger so it's biased.
  • "All tyranny needs to gain a foothold...is raising the debt ceiling without cuts to Medicare" - Thomas Jefferson
  • A lot of people sailed over here hundreds of years ago from the country of Africa because they wanted jobs.
  • Paul Revere wrote the directions for his famous ride on the palm of his hand, starting a great American tradition.
  • The first bell Paul Revere rang cracked, becoming the now famous Liberty Bell.
  • Custer beat Tonto at Little Big Horn
  • That's Big Big Horn. There is nothing little about America!
  • President Bill Clinton was so financially inept, he left office with a surplus of unspent money.
  • Founding Fathers all had to show their original, long form birth certificates before signing Constitution
  • Benedict Arnold is famous for serving eggs to the British, which is why he's a traitor. Also, there were bells.”
  • "Isn't it neat how they fought all those Civil War battles in National Parks?"
  • Jesus said: "Only the least taxed, least regulated among you will reach everlasting life."
  • Paul Revere went a ridin’ and a shootin’ in celebration of the second amendment. Killed him a bear, too, as a warning to Putin.
  • Einstein's hair got that way cuz he was holding Franklin's hand when he put key in light socket and discovered electricity.
  • If the Indians *really* wanted the Pilgrims to stay away, why did they build all those casinos?
  • George Washington used his ax to chop down that... umm, apple tree because we needed them pies for America to be strong!
  • According to Paul Revere, *3* lanterns meant the Redcoats were coming in black helicopters.
  • Patrick Henry understood the dangers of single payer health care when he said, "Give me Liberty or give me Death Panels"
  • then Gen. Washington's men lined up their surveyors' symbols & fired at lamestream liberal Brits who were spreading Sharia law
  • the Jews invented jewelry
  • The Civil War started because the Unions bosses and thugs attacked the Freedom lovin' Capitalists in the South.
  • All of the Indians greeted the European settlers as liberators.
  • Books, and even the modern concept of learning, were deliberately created by liberals in order to make conservatives look bad
  • Battle of Bull Run fought in Pamplona, Spain
  • What was so wrong with giving the Japanese internships?
  • In 1776, the founding fathers rang those bells to keep the freedom to arm bears in Alaska.
  • George Washington took his boat across the state of Delaware to warn the British not to take his fishing license.
  • "Our nation didn't fall apart when British fired on the Mayflower that dark morning in Dallas. We won that war in Vietnam!"
  • Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated Abraham Lincoln because he thought he was a homosexual because he went to the theater.
  • The Bay of Pigs was when the Founding Fathers threw their livestock overboard rather than pay taxes to King George.
  • Vietnam was a long, bloody conflict against the Koreans.
  • The original Tea Party Patriots demanded deregulation so the job creators like the East India Tea Co. could grow the economy.
  • George W. Bush did the most badass thing in history. He caught Bin Laden while he wasn't even President!
  • The founding fathers knew darn well what Americans had God-given rights to own: land, firearms and black people.

There are many, many more…

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*Bafflegab: Multiloquence characterized by consummate interfusion of circumlocution or periphrasis, inscrutability, and other familiar manifestations of abstruse expatiation commonly utilized for promulgations implementing Procrustean determinations by governmental bodies.

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